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Thursday, February 18, 2010
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Monday, February 8, 2010
The Secret Scrolls - From The Secret Daily Teachings
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Sunday, December 6, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
AND OUT OF NOWHERE AND NOTHING (Cont'd)
DAY 3 (Cont'd)
I let the fear of the phone calls take over for awhile until I realized that I had to begin believing the danger was gone; the least I had to do, was to develop a “fake it to til I make it,” mind-set to keep going and put the fear away as long as I could. It worked for a while but eventually it flooded back in different ways; this time it came as Agoraphobia, (fear of open spaces, or the outside) and it hit me after my sister died suddenly from Heart disease.
My sister led a simple but sad life. She believed all she had to live for was spending time with my children, and her job, which suited her and she was very good at it. My sister struggled with her identity daily. Her job as a security guard lent her to the power that was missing in the other aspects of her life. I could not even say she was content, but she did the best she could with what she was able to face about herself. Unknowing to her, she was loved and respected by so many people, that there was an outpouring of people at her wake, and the many so called, coincidences in her life emerged in ways she never would have expected. The numbers of people from different parts of her life connected outside of her, so much so, that it would have blown her away. My sister-in-law from my first marriage came and reminded me that my sister was the one that helped her get the job at the hospital she still works in. In the next instance, my sister-in-law was speaking to the wife of the property owner of the apartment my sister lived in. These two women had worked together in the past, and were chatting about it, when the aunt, who was the closest to my sister, joined the conversation. My aunt recognized one of the women and discovered that the woman was married to her late husband’s nephew. Strange, considering my sister was having such a difficult time finding a place to live just a few years earlier, and to have landed in this apartment was remarkable. These things to me appear as coincidences; but I know they are the working of the Universe to bring all these people together, and I also believe that my sister knows now that these things took place. Since my introduction to the movie "The Secret," so many things become clear to me when I begin to realize that we are responsible for our own reality, I just wish my sister had been able to see her reality through my eyes.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
AND OUT OF NOWHERE AND NOTHING, (cont'd)
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I took a second job, as a special needs bus driver so I would have a vehicle without expenses and became a home demonstrator for a direct sales company. My youngest son was at an age where he was old enough to care for the children and although it was a heavy burden for a young boy that had only a few years before lost his sister and both grandparents, he helped to hold us all together. He was my Godsend, and in time, our lives settled into peaceful ones, at least for a while. We had a few vandalizing events around Christmas the first year. Someone took a baseball bat to the windows of my school vehicle and through a larger boulder through the picture window where the Christmas tree stood. I never tried to prove these things were his doing, but I had a sense about them. I tried so hard to stay in a positive state of mind amidst the turmoil. It was hard and I began treatment for depression, despite being able to carry out all the necessary things in my life, it triggered an old disability of clinical depression. There was great fear lingering in me all the time but I had to keep going for the children. I never spoke a bad word about their father or made them privy to the fear I had about the vandalism, but in time, they formed their own opinion about how they felt about him. If one always does what is right, the truth will always come out. The truth was not mine to tell, but my children found it anyway. When they did, I was there to talk them through it until my youngest son turned 13.
My ex-husband was also a narcissist; something we would discover later on, but if my children did not call him every day and tell him how grateful they were for everything that he gave them, he would spin into a tirade.(A God complex) Many phone conversations and lies later, he called and told my youngest son, the only one that still loved him, never to call him again. He broke my son that day, and although I have forgiven him, I have no use for the man in my life and neither do my children. What kind of parent says something like that to their child? He went on later to say to me that “my” children were “white trash, and had never been raised properly.” My children, really? I responded with, “Never call me again, you have no idea what it means to parent a child and the influence you “inflict” on my children is destroying them.” A few months later, I learned, not by him, but from the return address on the child support payment, he resented every month he made it, that he and his wife moved to Georgia. Well, I say good luck to Georgia. He had burned all his bridges in this area and needed to re-locate, re-invent, and run from all the mistakes he had made here. (cont’d)
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