Drug and alcohol recovery programs are usually pretty
standard in most states but the only effective method treats the underlying
problem along with or directly after withdrawal. This is usually accomplished
by a dual diagnosis of one’s condition.
I have two sons, both alcoholics. One believing he is recovered
and may still be in denial; while the other has entered treatment for the
fourth time. The difference between the
two is that the first was always in denial of his problem while the youngest
admittedly knew and made known his condition at all times. To get the youngest
into treatment we first used the elusive false bottom. Making the subject
believe he has no resources left. (No resources like home, job, money, or enabling.)
Having spent more time with my youngest as he battled his disease, I understand
how the difference between them makes his more effective than the other.
However, it does not mean that when he recovers all that he has lost, that he
will not return to destructive behavior again. This is where safeguards are
necessary to build into the recovery. This also does not mean that my oldest
son’s recovery will not uphold, because he is at least in therapy and has a
supportive partner, although she has little tolerance for his failures, and his
recovery is the direct result of her “deal breakers,” in their relationship as
they prepare to be married.
AA alone will not suffice for a dual diagnosis. It will be
necessary for my youngest to continue psychotherapy along with medication for
depression and anxiety. This seems to have been his biggest problem along with
returning to the same environment. It is necessary to remove oneself from their
currently, enabling environment. This, of course, is the hardest step; leaving
girlfriends, spouses, and family members behind while you rebuild your life.
This is not to say that one cannot return to those they love, it just creates a
time delay. The hardest reality that an alcoholic has to face is the thought
that they can never have another drink again in their life. AA encourages them
to think only of the moment or the day they are in. Hence, the Serenity Prayer
becomes a necessary tool. Therapy is the other ingredient in the recovery with
a dual diagnosis. My youngest has never followed through with his therapy after
being released from recovery programs.
Each time my youngest has returned, I have encouraged him to
use some tools that I use myself, as I also suffer from clinical depression and
anxiety. The first is a very effective and necessary mind set, “It is not my
business what others think of me,” by Eckhart Tolle. I raised all of my
children with this mind set stated my way, “Unless someone tells you that they
do not like you, assume that they do and just be yourself.” So it is a familiar
family viewpoint. Another that I have given my youngest is always ask, “What
would Jesus do?” before acting on an impulse. He is the only one of my children
that has “faith,” and I thank God every day that he does because faith is one
of the greatest answers to recovery. The faith that God is always with you and
the faith in yourself to accomplish anything you set your mind to. AA has
non-secular meetings also, but without faith it is “more” difficult to stay in
recovery, because faith always gives you someone to support you,” while the lack
of faith leaves only yourself, and if you suffer from lack of self esteem,
which many do, then depending on yourself is extremely difficult; sometimes
impossible and tends to set one up for failure.
It is our job as parents to recognize behavior changes in
our children. My oldest was far from home during his most difficult times with
alcohol, but my youngest was directly in front of me and I still missed the
signs. Even when told by school officials that he was self-medicating I still
did not see it. I put him in counseling but it was of no use to him at the time
because he did not want to live without drugs and alcohol. The only thing that
was accomplished was he stopped using drugs and went to alcohol for his primary
source of solace. There is no greater disappointment as a parent than having to
ask one of our children to leave the home they were raised in and go out into
the world and care for oneself without the aid of family when they chose
alcohol over safety and support. It is like losing a child forever, which I
have also experienced, but at least a child in recovery is one that gives us
hope.
None of the baby books prepare you for this kind of loss. I
remember learning that it is best to begin separating for your child from
birth, as it will help them to become independent adults. This only worked with
my daughter, as she “heeded” the messages every day from me that she was a
beautiful young girl and could do anything she ever wanted to in her life. Why
don’t boys hear the same message? Both of my boys are handsome, strong, young
men, but self esteem came much harder for them. It is still a mystery to me. I
am leaving tomorrow for another state to help a sick relative, but all I can
think of is my youngest and how hard this will be for him, and then I think
maybe it will be better if I am not around and he has no source of savior but
God and himself. No, it doesn’t make it easier, but it does make me feel closer
to him knowing that he will have God to turn to, and so will I.
