Oh No, she's up!

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On Sunday my pastor, after returning from a conference, shared a story one of the author s shared with him. The story was about a mother that was concerned about her non-believing children. I was totally inspired by her response to what to do for our children when they can't find their way. She said, "If the devil wants my children he will have to cross over thousands of prayers." I was instantly gratified by the calming that took place in me after hearing this. After the service I went to thank him for the sermon and he said, he was thinking about me when he heard it, because he knows my greatest struggle is for my children to become believers. We never know what to do if we are called home and our children are not saved, it is a Christian Mother's greatest concern, but try to remember this story if you are the mother of non-believers and accept the comfort it gave me.
I just got off the phone with my youngest who is back in recovery and he informed me that he is considering joining the military, another great concern for mothers. I told him I would support what ever he decides because I know that God is with him, even if he doesn't always know; and I know that the devil will have to climb over thousands of my prayers also to get to him. So look out for me Devil!

A Mother's Prayer

prayer.. (Photo credit: aronki)

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Even Christians at some time in our day or sometimes in everyday, we sin by mouth , eyes, or even ears; but by asking God to forgive us, he does. That doesn't mean we get to go out everyday and sin, it means we recognize our sins and pray for the fortitude not to sin those sins again. Some find new ones and think that is okay, but we know it is not. Our commitment is to not sin,and to be praying a consistent prayer with God all day asking him to guide us away from sin. But Satan is a strong enemy and we must be aware of the worldly things around us, (which is pretty much everything) and find our own way in the world not giving into to worldly ways.
We lose friends over this, we make enemies over this, we lose family; but our promise is that at the end of time we will be re-united with those we love at God's right hand and if we want that to be our children, then we must take the time NOW to discipline them along those lines.

I spent some time last night reading through a notebook my son had written in during his stay at the last rehab facility he was in. My heart was lifted when he spoke about falling on his knees in gratitude asking for forgiveness. It is every Christian mother's dream to have one or all of her children find their way through the Holy Spirit. It would be nice if they could find their way without having to reach the bottom, but as a mother, I will take it any way it comes to them.
Many spend their days focused on the lack of everything we do not have, when in reality, it is what keeps us from attaining those things. Focus on what we have and thank God for it everyday with the idea that God already knows what you want and it is coming to you; but it is in his time. Do not be discouraged, God is bringing you what you want so express gratitude for it, as if you have already received it and you will begin to see it surfacing in your life.

My prayer to God today is recovery for my youngest and the removal of the blinders on his eyes, and the plugs in his ears so he may see and hear what is coming his way. Thank you, Lord for caring for him and being by his side through all that he has allowed himself to go through. Give him patience and fortitude until it appears.

Ingrained Motherhood

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I have just spent 4 days with no knowledge as to where my youngest son (26) was and if he was safe for the second time in 1 month. What are we to do as mothers when mothering is so ingrained in us? This month I have heard phrases like " its all in God's hands," Don't worry, he'll be fine," "What are you doing to keep your mind off him,"It's already up to God, so there is nothing you can do about it, just move on." None of which has given me an ounce of peace. I even spent a day at a Pastoral Conference where they were focused on the assurance that God exists. Well, I know God exists, and I know he was with me and my son, but I have never been able to draw enough comfort from that to let things go. Does that make me less Christian, less of a believer? I don't even know. The only thing I know today is that no matter how good a parent you are, you can never know where Satan will surface in the life of one of your children. The one saving grace in all of this last experience is that he is my one child that not only does believes God exists and that Jesus came to save us from our sins no matter how bad you have been, or how much of Satan you have acknowledged, you need only to ask God for forgiveness and thank him for what he has provided you with and ask him to open the Holy Spirit within you. I don't mean running with Satan forever, I mean for that moment in time.

My son has lived his adolescent, teen, and now adult life using some form of substance to stuff down inside of himself, something so unbearable that he is afraid to actually let it run through his mind. Millions of people live this way, but the true thing about life is that there is nothing so unbearable  locked in one's mind that will make you burn in Hell at that moment or any other moment.

Our God is a gracious God, he readily forgives, protects, and saves you when asked. That doesn't mean you can continue down the path you are on and just choose your own time to ask for forgiveness. It means when you ask for forgiveness, repent, and follow the word he has sent to us; you can depend on him to respond. With eyes wide open we may actually see the signs he has sent us to change our lives. I am no saint, but every day I try to do something for another with no expectation of return and pray that I am pleasing to God.

I know l lot of people are thinking (as if a lot of people are reading this...lol) everyday, really? Well, yes everyday that you are able. One of the mornings I was waiting for word about my son I was awakened early, I don't know by what and I went outside and this is the gift that God gave to me:

I have a friend that on his 90th birthday slipped and fell in his driveway rendering him bedridden after surgery for many weeks, with a broken hip. He had just recovered from a fall that injured  his shoulder, but he soldiered on and the only thing I ever heard him say about that one was "Thank God my daughter was there when I fell." After the second accident the family thought he was facing his last days, but it turned out that he had an intestinal problem that made it impossible for him to get to the bathroom on time and he was reluctant to get out of bed. Once it passed though, he was like an Olympian training for a race. Each time I saw him he would show me how he could get himself out of bed and scurry down the corridor with the use of his walker. The only thing he ever said about that incident was "Thank God the Verizon men working across the street saw me fall and were able to call 911." To me that proves that God exists and that our faithful devotion to him will see us through everything we encounter. However, when it comes to motherhood  my senses go numb. My friend is a God loving, Christian man and nothing seems too difficult for him to choose not to move forward. I hope that is something my youngest son can find and learn to live with, because then he can teach me.

A week before this last incident with my son, I was in his hospital room while he went to take a shower. As I looked into the corridor, I saw, on an open door across from me, what looked like a row of paper dolls were ingrained in the door. As I looked further I realized they looked more like a row of paper doll angels because wings were visible in between each one. I know that many do not believe that God sends us signs, but this to me was a sign that God would guide my son through this. However, there was some point where my son changed his mind about recovery and went on a rampage of destruction and deceit which was totally out of character for him. I shiver at the idea of how he will feel when he realizes that this wide eyed blackout he has been in these last two weeks, has made him do things he would never have done in a sober and Godly mind.
He has a long road ahead of him and I will pray daily that God will guide him in this journey and make it difficult enough for him that he never wants to start over like this again.

Thank you God for keeping him safe.

To Each His / Her Own

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Drug and alcohol recovery programs are usually pretty standard in most states but the only effective method treats the underlying problem along with or directly after withdrawal. This is usually accomplished by a dual diagnosis of one’s condition.

I have two sons, both alcoholics. One believing he is recovered and may still be in denial; while the other has entered treatment for the fourth time.  The difference between the two is that the first was always in denial of his problem while the youngest admittedly knew and made known his condition at all times. To get the youngest into treatment we first used the elusive false bottom. Making the subject believe he has no resources left. (No resources like home, job, money, or enabling.) Having spent more time with my youngest as he battled his disease, I understand how the difference between them makes his more effective than the other. However, it does not mean that when he recovers all that he has lost, that he will not return to destructive behavior again. This is where safeguards are necessary to build into the recovery. This also does not mean that my oldest son’s recovery will not uphold, because he is at least in therapy and has a supportive partner, although she has little tolerance for his failures, and his recovery is the direct result of her “deal breakers,” in their relationship as they prepare to be married.

AA alone will not suffice for a dual diagnosis. It will be necessary for my youngest to continue psychotherapy along with medication for depression and anxiety. This seems to have been his biggest problem along with returning to the same environment. It is necessary to remove oneself from their currently, enabling environment. This, of course, is the hardest step; leaving girlfriends, spouses, and family members behind while you rebuild your life. This is not to say that one cannot return to those they love, it just creates a time delay. The hardest reality that an alcoholic has to face is the thought that they can never have another drink again in their life. AA encourages them to think only of the moment or the day they are in. Hence, the Serenity Prayer becomes a necessary tool. Therapy is the other ingredient in the recovery with a dual diagnosis. My youngest has never followed through with his therapy after being released from recovery programs.

Each time my youngest has returned, I have encouraged him to use some tools that I use myself, as I also suffer from clinical depression and anxiety. The first is a very effective and necessary mind set, “It is not my business what others think of me,” by Eckhart Tolle. I raised all of my children with this mind set stated my way, “Unless someone tells you that they do not like you, assume that they do and just be yourself.” So it is a familiar family viewpoint. Another that I have given my youngest is always ask, “What would Jesus do?” before acting on an impulse. He is the only one of my children that has “faith,” and I thank God every day that he does because faith is one of the greatest answers to recovery. The faith that God is always with you and the faith in yourself to accomplish anything you set your mind to. AA has non-secular meetings also, but without faith it is “more” difficult to stay in recovery, because faith always gives you someone to support you,” while the lack of faith leaves only yourself, and if you suffer from lack of self esteem, which many do, then depending on yourself is extremely difficult; sometimes impossible and tends to set one up for failure.

It is our job as parents to recognize behavior changes in our children. My oldest was far from home during his most difficult times with alcohol, but my youngest was directly in front of me and I still missed the signs. Even when told by school officials that he was self-medicating I still did not see it. I put him in counseling but it was of no use to him at the time because he did not want to live without drugs and alcohol. The only thing that was accomplished was he stopped using drugs and went to alcohol for his primary source of solace. There is no greater disappointment as a parent than having to ask one of our children to leave the home they were raised in and go out into the world and care for oneself without the aid of family when they chose alcohol over safety and support. It is like losing a child forever, which I have also experienced, but at least a child in recovery is one that gives us hope.

None of the baby books prepare you for this kind of loss. I remember learning that it is best to begin separating for your child from birth, as it will help them to become independent adults. This only worked with my daughter, as she “heeded” the messages every day from me that she was a beautiful young girl and could do anything she ever wanted to in her life. Why don’t boys hear the same message? Both of my boys are handsome, strong, young men, but self esteem came much harder for them. It is still a mystery to me. I am leaving tomorrow for another state to help a sick relative, but all I can think of is my youngest and how hard this will be for him, and then I think maybe it will be better if I am not around and he has no source of savior but God and himself. No, it doesn’t make it easier, but it does make me feel closer to him knowing that he will have God to turn to, and so will I.

A Changed Heart~

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It is sad when people use phrases like, "God told me to do this or that." To my knowledge, God has not spoken directly to anyone since the Old Testament. Correct me if I'm wrong, but scripture will prove that to be correct. Many that have recently experienced a change in their heart, will use that phrase; along with "I found God." But for me, I never knew he was lost.
We don't find God, he finds us; and has always known where we were. My daughter, a non-believer, was approached yesterday by an old boyfriend who led the conversation with those phrases. She was disturbed by this connection. I mean, I'm all for anyone that can help her to believe, but it will never happen for her with phrases like that.
Faith takes knowledge. The knowledge needed to talk to others about their faith and what the "Bible" says about God. When we are witnessing to others we need to use the right words and it takes knowledge to do that. I worry that this young man has been taught to witness incorrectly. He expressed some concerns to her that I think need to be addressed; but it seems like he might not be open to hearing the truth. Whatever the case, he needs someone to talk to, so I told my daughter I would be the one to do that for her. She immediately said, "You're the best," and surprised by that, I asked her if she could repeat it so I could record it. We just laughed.
God works in such mysterious ways. Not five minutes ago, my youngest son, knocked on my door, visibly upset. Upon further discovery I learned he had been fired. Fired from the only job he has held for 10 years. He's an alcoholic who has progressively brought himself to this place. I had a short talk with him about his next step and reminded him that just last week he told me this was probably going to happen soon, and here it is. It's funny how we bring ourselves to the place we say we are going. "We are responsible for our own reality." I think that is the hardest thing for most to accept.
God knows where we are going and always has, that is why he sent his only son to save us from sin. He sent Jesus to live in the "real" world and then sacrificed him to give us the grace we now have. We now have a forgiving God, and we should thank him everyday for his sacrifice.
This is a hard time of year for many, my son especially; but the strange part is that my church family and I have prayed for him to get here also. God has answered our prayer and now he will answer my son's when he turns to him for his much needed recovery. At this moment, he is not feeling very grateful and I understand that, but I am. I am so grateful that he is where he is so that he can now get the help he so greatly needs.
I know it must sound strange to many to hear that we prayed for him to hit bottom, but he was so unwilling to get there on his own that we felt he needed help and the only help we could offer was for him to  get here. With God's help the rest will right itself. It may not be a lasting solution, many have to try sobriety dozens of times, but for this Christmas; I am so grateful to God for bringing my son right where he is right now. God answered my prayer...

Hypnotic Marketing. Really????

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It's sad when something so amazing as the internet is abused by people trying to make money dishonestly.  Pyramid schemes are called many things because every time someone creates one, it has to be something new; because too many people are afraid of the words "pyramid schemes." These things do not work unless you are burdening your friends and family with these" pie in the sky" ideas. They have even added a whole new element to take advantage of people...hypnotic marketing. It is exactly what it says it is too.

I think of the internet as something that reaches the "greatest number of people in the shortest period of time, " while others think of it as a way of hurting the "greatest number of people" in the shortest period of time. The only time this is different is when the product you are supposedly selling is through a reputable company that has a strong history and reputation.

Most "schemes, shams, and farces," are created by very savvy, internet frauds who have found ways to generate and run programs that look like money is going to go to your account, but in turn goes directly into theirs. These programs have become very sophisticated and actually use legitimate merchant accounts through supposedly legitimate banks. I recently signed to join a program that I will not name because I refuse to give them any more power over me than they have already had. This is the time of year that the creeps come out of the woodwork, so please...be careful. When it sounds too good to be true..it usually is.

Wouldn't it be nice if legitimate people offered to help those in need? It is sad when others need to take advantage of people to make a living. "Treat others as you want them to treat you," the Golden Rule and also one of God's most important lessons to us. What do we have to do to live in a world full of people that take advantage of others? God would say, forgive and forget...so I guess we take responsibility for our vulnerability, move on, and hope that the next time we won't be taken in by vipers, and remember that what "goes around comes around," without looking for it to happen; just knowing that it does, is enough for good people.
If one person is saved from being taken advantage of by one of these vipers as a result of reading this post, then I am truly blessed this season.
Happy Holidays~

SAD~

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As we enter into the holidays many people will suffer from a condition called SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). It is important to notice if you see the symptoms in any of your friends or family group. The "symptoms include tiredness, fatigue, depression, crying spells, irritability, trouble concentrating, body aches, loss of sex drive, poor sleep, decreased activity level, and overeating, especially with carbohydrates, with associated weight gain." (according to Medicinenet.com)
Many of these symptoms are things we see in friends and family every day, but the difference is when they are more pronounced during a particular season or time of the year. Sometimes it comes from grief without even knowing that is what is causing it. Losing a loved one around a holiday leaves a reminder of that grief and some never recognize it until it is mentioned by another or something reminds them of the person lost.

Diagnosed in my twenties with clinical depression, has made my journey a long one. I have had bouts of severe depression ranging from blue days to an anxiety disorder manifesting as Agoraphobia. (fear of open spaces) There are periods of time when I am very teary for what I think is no reason, then suddenly remember it is the anniversary of the loss of a loved one, and it is grief I am experiencing.

I still, after 28 years, always remember my 6 month old daughter lost to me on a Mother's Day weekend. Her birthday is the day before Halloween and this year I was in Florida on vacation with no reminder of that loss. I was enjoying myself more than I had in years.Upon returning, it took about a week for it to hit me. I was sitting in my Bible Class and some mention was made about how, as parents, we regret when our children have not been saved. It immediately ran through my mind that I had my baby girl (Gillian Marie) baptized twice just to be sure that if anything happened to her while she was in the hospital, I would have done the right thing. According to what was being said, I heard, "none of us know who the elect will be, only God knows." I immediately began to tear up. I was feeling inadequate as a parent. I thought for that moment, that I had any control over whether or not my child would be in the New World when it comes, and realized I don't. As it was explained further, I questioned my life, and realized I had conceived this child in sin, but was instantly reassured that children are not responsible for the sins of the parents. It wasn't enough for me at that moment. I left the class and when I got to my car I could barely see where I was driving I was crying so hard. I went immediately to the cemetery where my child was buried, and searched for her grave. For more than a minute I couldn't even find it. I was so lost and wondered why it wasn't where I remembered it to be. I sat in my car and prayed that I could remember, and in the next moment I looked up and realized that it was right where it always was, I was just looking for the wrong color of the stone. I instantly got out of the car and went over to where her ground marker lay, and realized that no one had cleared the grass away for quite awhile. I began, through these thundering tears, to rip the grass away all around the stone. I sat there and asked for her forgiveness. What that could do for me, I don't know, but it was something. I knew I had to do something to stop the tears and remember the beauty about her. Then I was relieved to "feel the presence of the Holy Spirit "(inside) assuring me she was at the right hand of God. I thanked God that she did not have to carry my burden to the grave. A few moments later the wonderful memories of her gentle sweetness filled me, and I began to stop crying and feel a sense of the world around me again. I realized for that day, and at that moment, that I had forgotten to feel the grief I normally do around that time, and that a gentle reminder of her beauty and grace was all I needed to be lifted up again.
That is just a small reminder of the type of emotion that can take over the life of one that suffers from clinical depression or SAD. It made me question my faith and my own goodness, but somehow got a gentle reminder that I was thinking irrationally, and God was righted my thinking.

There is no total recovery from clinical depression but it is a manageable disease like any other. A broken arm, leg or other body limb heals, a broken heart heals, but depression is a silent disease that can spring about at any time. A regimen of anti-depressions are usually prescribed, and in my case, a lifetime commitment. I can get through each day without the heavy burden of sadness that sometimes overwhelmed me in the past, but holidays, and reminders of loss will usually surface, but not quite as prominent as this last one.
If you know a friend or relative who suffers from SAD who may not know that they suffer from it, it is wise to make a "gentle" reference to it; but let them figure it out on their own. Telling someone, who "you think" may suffer from depression and has not been diagnosed, what your thought about it are, will not necessarily move them in the right direction. So be careful not to judge or make assumptions about their state of mind. We are all different and we cannot possibly know what is in the mind or the heart of another unless we are being told by him or her. It is a difficult place to be if you have never, yourself, suffered from this debilitating disease, to stand by and watch a loved one go through it; but recovery is a choice that only they can make, and nagging or self righteousness will not get them to recovery any faster than they can themselves. Pray for them that God will open their heart and they will be directed in the right place to receive the treatment they need, and remember to applaud their choice when they choose recovery, because it is a difficult choice to make, especially if it has gone on too long. So be wise, and leave only a gentle message for them, as a push or a shove may just make them tumble.
I hope this helps just one person this year recognize, get diagnosed, and treated for any form of depression.  The list is long and they come in all colors and sizes.
Have Wondrous and Happy Holidays All

God, help me~

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Elyse's perfect meal

As she was getting ready to prepare her first turkey, my daughter called and asked, “How do people learn this” and I answered, “they learn it from their mother, as I’m telling you now, how to do it.”
She cooked two beautiful meals that Thanksgiving, and ended up saying, “I can’t believe it was so easy.”

We all learn from our parents how to live the life God has given us, but we are not always open to hearing what they have to say because, as young people who have been taught how to be independent by our parents, either by the right way or the wrong way; we think we know everything. Then to our utter amazement, we find we are not prepared to live the life that has been given us, and must learn to live it on our own. We take the good things our parents gave us and build on them, and we take the bad things and change them. The teaching still came from our parents, but we learned to adapt it to our lives through the spirit within; our innate spirit, that which, when we are most needy; comes to us. If I were to say that to my daughter and one of my sons they would reject it all because she does not believe in God, and he does not believe in Jesus; so I must live everyday knowing that, and not wanting to alienate them, I enable their disbelief, and yet it was through my own failure that they got there.

What does a parent do when they are faced with their own mistakes? We must first take responsibility for our mistakes, realize we are human, and that God sent his only son to save us from our sin, and move on, showing our children, by example, how to live a Godly life. It’s a shame for those of us that failed to give that to our children growing up, but the only thing we can do, at this point, is to remember that there is still time. There won’t always be time “enough to teach them,” so every moment does become precious, and we must use every moment we can  to tell them that we failed, ask them to forgive us, and hope that they will listen to us now and allow their heart to change and listen to the spirit within.

I prided myself on raising independent, good-hearted children, and teaching things right the first time around so I didn’t have to re-teach them later, but I failed with the most important lessons. I worried that talking baby talk to them, would stifle their growth and I would just have to re-teach them, or teaching them right from wrong would be enough and yet here I am trying to think of a way to re-teach them to live good lives. My mistakes show, because they already believe they are living good lives, but how can I believe I succeeded when I do not see them being grateful for all that they have, being grateful for God creating everything that they have or will ever need?  I pray for God to change their hearts where I have failed, and then must live my life believing that they will find it on their own.
That is not right either, so somehow I must find the courage to share with them my deepest desire, and pray that they do not reject me as they do others that try to bring them to a changed heart. Sometimes sadness overwhelms me because of this failure, and I hear the people around me telling me that all I can do is show them by example and pray for them to come to God. That is what faith does for us, we are supposed to turn it over to God and pray that he will change their heart. I think that means that my faith is not strong enough because I cannot let it go at that, I still believe it is my responsibility to teach them. I think that God expects us to do our job and that is to raise God-like children. Yet I find it so hard for me to be so Godly, how can I expect my children who were never given the right tools; to find these answers on their own?

This is what brings me to wanting to run away. Wanting to let it go and let God, but then I see that it makes me appear unworthy, yet intellectually, I know that I am worthy. I try to think of ways to have what I want in my life, and let my children find theirs, but then I fall away from my responsibility to teach them. I am afraid of alienating them, of having them want to avoid me, as many do when they hear Christians talk about God and what he gives us. This is where the overwhelm sets in.  The woe is me….

My daughter, struggling to get what she wants in her own relationship, tells me she wishes I could be more supportive of her. It is my strongest desire to be just that, but how can you support something you know is wrong. Well, not wrong but ungrateful. Instead of being grateful that she has met, and fallen in love with a good man, she complains that she is not his first thought every day. That he should know, by some magical power, how to please her. Both of them come from dysfunctional families and have never learned how to communicate effectively what they really want, so it becomes nagging or self righteousness. Of course, pointing that out becomes criticism and lack of support. “Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when we practice to deceive,” so instead of telling her what she can and cannot expect from this man, makes me appear unsupportive. Of course, what she wants to hear, is me telling her that she is right and he is being insensitive to her needs when she hasn’t even told him what they are. I fear that there is something greater hurting her that she does not recognize and I begin to feel the guilt of my failure as a parent. When I talk to my pastor about it he tells me that all I can do is pray and remember that God has already forgiven me and none of us really know who will be the elect when the world becomes new again. And the vicious cycle begins again, and my failure stands out even more.

I hear people telling me that I have been a good parent, and that I should just accept my children as they are, which I do, by loving them unconditionally; but I still don’t feel that it is enough. Yesterday I was subjected to hearing my future daughter-in-law prosthesis what she would do for my alcoholic son if she didn’t have a job. She said she would take him to her house and nurse him through his alcoholism. The only thing I could hear from that was that I had not done enough for my son, I had not intervened enough to help him to desire sobriety. What else could I have heard? She has a job; I don’t, so that makes it my responsibility to get him sober? It is not my responsibility and it never will be, it is his, but I will never shun or reject him, and will be extremely defensive of those that do because I love him unconditionally, as I should, and as I do with all of my children. Yet, I had to hear my oldest son, an alcoholic himself, tell me that I was invited to a Thanksgiving dinner at her parent’s home, but he didn’t feel he could trust Chris (my youngest) to go there. Why, because it would embarrass him, or bring his own addiction to light? My own son, rejecting one of his own siblings broke my heart. Any hope of ever being accepted into this girl’s family was lost to me at that moment. Yet, what do I do? Alienate this son by telling him how I feel about these things?

Every day we have challenges to face in life. God doesn’t make them but loves to watch us overcome them. When our children do not recognize or believe this, it becomes almost impossible to communicate with them without alienation or confrontation; neither of which I wish to engage. So what do I do? I sit here typing this out in the hope that by seeing it at whatever point in their life, they will begin to understand that things are not always as they see them. That yes, I may have made mistakes, but they will also when they raise their own children. No parent can give their children everything they need to get through life successfully because for one thing, success is a thought, and we don’t all share the same definition of that thought or any other thought; so judgment of a thought of another, is not right or real. Success is a thought that is formed in the mind of each of us, based on our perceived definition, and we cannot perceive of it through the mind of another; because we do not come to it from their experiences, we come to it through our own, and anything said about the perception of another, is judgment and judgment does not belong in a Christian mind. Only God judges, we do not.

So instead of looking forward to the joy of a beautiful Christmas it becomes a dreaded thought for me today, because I am expecting things to go awry before it even gets here; based on these few examples. The question now is, how do I change my thoughts about this to bring about the Christmas I want to experience with my children? I think only God knows and maybe somehow he’ll send me a sign or point me in the right direction. So that is my prayer today, “Please precious God; bring me to a right mind about these things, so I may expect a joyous experience with my children on Christmas, the birth of Jesus.”

GOD STOPPED SPEAKING TO MAN A LONG TIME AGO~

God hasn't "spoken" to man since the Old Testament, but we still get messages from him. You know the innate ones that come from within. My church seems to be in dire need of funds and we believe the funds come from our parishioners, so we don't do anything in the church to actually raise funds except to witness to others, in the hope that they will join us and their contributions will help us meet our financial goals. We always meet them; some divine intervention always comes our way. However, I am a hands on kind of person and feel more obligation to help than others, not that I am right or they are wrong, it is just who I am.
I have been praying recently about ways to help and I know that for me to help I would have to create a business and donate a good portion of my profit to my church. That is the only way I know of to help them. So I am on that journey now with some very strong minded and excited people that I pray are going to help me reach my goal. It is an opportunity I hope others will join me in and by doing so, will inevitably be helping my church. Having been on the internet for many years and being taken advantage of by the mesmerizing effect of some of these people, I have never managed to accomplish what they say I will. Today is different. I was able to complete all of the tasks that in the past, were never revealed to me, and am confident that this is going to be a really good experience for all involved; so I am sharing it with others. I can't offer guarantees and they are not offering any either, but once the system is set in place it is only necessary to blog once a day, and read what others that have TRULY succeeded have to say; and use that information educationally by sharing it with others through blogging. Simple enough, right? They also suggest attending all of the conferences, which means that people will actually make the kind of money where they can afford such a luxury. They suggest re-investing 20% of the profit back into the business for advertising and marketing, and that makes perfect sense to me.Here's the rub...I have put all my faith in this business, and have found that the prayers that I have prayed are actually coming about. I prayed that it was not a scam, of course. I prayed that I would be able to do as they ask, and I have. And now I pray that by sharing this with others, all of our goals will be met.
So, I ask you, to check it out and tell me what you think. Try what they are asking and let me know your results. Pray with me that this is the act that will bring all of us flush with our financial lives, my church will get their needs met once again, and I will finally be able to open my "day program" for disabled adults, because when I needed one, none were available. I'm asking for honest answers. REALLY, tell me what you think. If you think as I do, that these people have given us all the answers, then we can finally believe that the fastest way to reach the greatest number of people is through the internet, and that Steve Jobs made a contribution to the world that we can all learn and benefit from. I consider him a worthy Christian, because even during his last days he was creating products that made lives easier. What he did for Autistic children is amazing. He gave them a voice through the iPad. Think how you would feel about yourself if that was you, and you contributed something so amazing to the world. I wonder about that all the time, in a humble way I think, "I wonder if I have touched a life in a way that makes a difference." Some will never know until the end and even then it may not be revealed, but we have to try. We have to try or what would be the purpose of life, if we didn't?
Anyway, this is my way of contributing and I hope that it is earnest and sincere and helps all of us get what we want and need for the good of others and ourselves.
Check out this link and let me know what you think:

http://www.empowernetwork.com/ almostasecret.php?id=annmarie

Look at that God gave me the ability to rhyme....

"We know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with."

Image via WikipediaGOOGLE

 My post yesterday talked about how, after reading a comment a woman made on a

NAMI blog, set my mind to reeling. Well, it did not stop there. It seems that this one discovery had led me down a path, not by my own choosing but on the path anyway. The attempt to shake my faith failed, and I am here to tell you that that is how fleeting moments are, and how powerful they can be. The devil slides in whenever he can and tries to take our faith from us. He is constantly trying to break our faith to satisfy him/herself. I was happy to read this today that led me back to the path I belong on.

"We know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with." Roman 6:6 

I was barely a glimmer in God's eye, yet part of his plan long before I was born. We were all there on the cross in Christ's heart. This is explained in Roman 5 12:21. Here Paul explains that we were all subject to death through Adam, so we can all receive the gift of  new life through Christ. 

"There is still sin in us, but it is no longer my master. Jesus is." When he died and rose, so did we, and that reality changes everything. 

Whatever is happening in our life, even when we sin, we must all remember that Christ has already taken our sin, not that that is an excuse to sin, because it is not. But staying on a holy path each day may be a struggle, but to be worthy we  commit to try, EVERYDAY.

Lord, Help us to believe in the transforming power of the resurrection in our own life.

When we tug on a single thing in nature we find it attached to everything else

Image by dannie4852 via FlickrGOOGLE

"When we tug on a single thing in nature we find it attached to everything else." ~ John Muir

 John Muir was an American naturalist, and the founder of The Sierra Club and as an activist saved many national treasures. But what does he have to do with my thinking today? So many things.
My thinking today is a mixed bag of conflicting premises that keep coming at me for a reason, and I think it is because I am at a crossroad. I am at a place where my awakening from this mental illness, (Agoraphobia) is trying to find the place it will create the most from.
As I have said in previous posts, there is a place in recovery where one sees that everything is connected. It is on the way up from the darkest place one can get to, in my case the depth of depression. Creativity emerges at this place, and the direction one takes with this creation (in "my" mind) will determine what the creation will be for, or who will benefit from it. The idea that everything is connected is not a new concept by any means but the development of the concept changes with every person, therefore you see my dilemma this day.
For the last few days I have been coming at it from a religious aspect, and I choose to continue in that direction, but the very first conflict in my day came to me as I went to the NAMI blog and saw a comment by a woman who says that her awakening has led her to believe that she is God, and that there is no basis for religion at all because she controls her own life, and I was immediately daunted by her caliber of education.  She is a lawyer, so she has had a good education and is knowledgeable, and I should think of her as a reputable source. But how can I?  My confusion did not stop there, I began to doubt my own beliefs and thoughts, and then suddenly I realized that I was coming from "ego." Thank you God, for pointing that out to me, because had I stayed to try to dissect her comments I would have been lost in trying to compete with her and that comes from "ego," which can totally destroy my own credibility.
Well, naturally as one that believes "we are responsible for our own reality," this whole diatribe sent me through a loop. I have been confused and dazed since reading her post. I at first tried to respond to her post, but could not find a way to speak without judgment, and felt it was not my place to correct her. Yet, she sits in my mind. Her thoughts came from the idea that we are one with God, but to conclude that she is God is so unsettling for me. She in so many words also said that we are in rapture now. I remember being in that place at one time, because mental illness can lead you into a conflict with good and evil, and when you are there, trying to rationalize, is not possible, because it is coming from the disease of the mind; and giving control to the disease leads to this place that locks your thoughts in such a convoluted place. I am praying for this woman tonight, although I cannot recall where she is and my internet history shows no record of her, but I will pray for her nameless as she is to me, and I will pray that others are not lost in her post also. I will also pray that God will show me the necessary tools to share this in a way that helps others not to go to where she is, and that is not to say that I am right and she is wrong, but we are in the middle of a huge message from God right now and the more confusing it becomes the more that will lost by this tumultuous disaster in Japan and fewer will see that it is a sign that God is telling us to be aware. Just a sign, not the return, not the rapture, not the end as he has predicted. I am sad that she believes that this is how she will live from now on. But, of course, I own that, not her.
Anyway, the beginning of my post was sent to me tonight in a post by a friend whose judgment I trust and whose guidance has lifted me from this confusion, and I am filled with gratitude to have such people in my life, Thank you, Dave.

Psalm 28:7 The Lord strengthens and protects me; I trust in him with all my heart. I am rescued and my heart is full of joy; I will sing to him in gratitude.