Oh No, she's up!

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On Sunday my pastor, after returning from a conference, shared a story one of the author s shared with him. The story was about a mother that was concerned about her non-believing children. I was totally inspired by her response to what to do for our children when they can't find their way. She said, "If the devil wants my children he will have to cross over thousands of prayers." I was instantly gratified by the calming that took place in me after hearing this. After the service I went to thank him for the sermon and he said, he was thinking about me when he heard it, because he knows my greatest struggle is for my children to become believers. We never know what to do if we are called home and our children are not saved, it is a Christian Mother's greatest concern, but try to remember this story if you are the mother of non-believers and accept the comfort it gave me.
I just got off the phone with my youngest who is back in recovery and he informed me that he is considering joining the military, another great concern for mothers. I told him I would support what ever he decides because I know that God is with him, even if he doesn't always know; and I know that the devil will have to climb over thousands of my prayers also to get to him. So look out for me Devil!

A Mother's Prayer

prayer.. (Photo credit: aronki)

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Even Christians at some time in our day or sometimes in everyday, we sin by mouth , eyes, or even ears; but by asking God to forgive us, he does. That doesn't mean we get to go out everyday and sin, it means we recognize our sins and pray for the fortitude not to sin those sins again. Some find new ones and think that is okay, but we know it is not. Our commitment is to not sin,and to be praying a consistent prayer with God all day asking him to guide us away from sin. But Satan is a strong enemy and we must be aware of the worldly things around us, (which is pretty much everything) and find our own way in the world not giving into to worldly ways.
We lose friends over this, we make enemies over this, we lose family; but our promise is that at the end of time we will be re-united with those we love at God's right hand and if we want that to be our children, then we must take the time NOW to discipline them along those lines.

I spent some time last night reading through a notebook my son had written in during his stay at the last rehab facility he was in. My heart was lifted when he spoke about falling on his knees in gratitude asking for forgiveness. It is every Christian mother's dream to have one or all of her children find their way through the Holy Spirit. It would be nice if they could find their way without having to reach the bottom, but as a mother, I will take it any way it comes to them.
Many spend their days focused on the lack of everything we do not have, when in reality, it is what keeps us from attaining those things. Focus on what we have and thank God for it everyday with the idea that God already knows what you want and it is coming to you; but it is in his time. Do not be discouraged, God is bringing you what you want so express gratitude for it, as if you have already received it and you will begin to see it surfacing in your life.

My prayer to God today is recovery for my youngest and the removal of the blinders on his eyes, and the plugs in his ears so he may see and hear what is coming his way. Thank you, Lord for caring for him and being by his side through all that he has allowed himself to go through. Give him patience and fortitude until it appears.

Ingrained Motherhood

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I have just spent 4 days with no knowledge as to where my youngest son (26) was and if he was safe for the second time in 1 month. What are we to do as mothers when mothering is so ingrained in us? This month I have heard phrases like " its all in God's hands," Don't worry, he'll be fine," "What are you doing to keep your mind off him,"It's already up to God, so there is nothing you can do about it, just move on." None of which has given me an ounce of peace. I even spent a day at a Pastoral Conference where they were focused on the assurance that God exists. Well, I know God exists, and I know he was with me and my son, but I have never been able to draw enough comfort from that to let things go. Does that make me less Christian, less of a believer? I don't even know. The only thing I know today is that no matter how good a parent you are, you can never know where Satan will surface in the life of one of your children. The one saving grace in all of this last experience is that he is my one child that not only does believes God exists and that Jesus came to save us from our sins no matter how bad you have been, or how much of Satan you have acknowledged, you need only to ask God for forgiveness and thank him for what he has provided you with and ask him to open the Holy Spirit within you. I don't mean running with Satan forever, I mean for that moment in time.

My son has lived his adolescent, teen, and now adult life using some form of substance to stuff down inside of himself, something so unbearable that he is afraid to actually let it run through his mind. Millions of people live this way, but the true thing about life is that there is nothing so unbearable  locked in one's mind that will make you burn in Hell at that moment or any other moment.

Our God is a gracious God, he readily forgives, protects, and saves you when asked. That doesn't mean you can continue down the path you are on and just choose your own time to ask for forgiveness. It means when you ask for forgiveness, repent, and follow the word he has sent to us; you can depend on him to respond. With eyes wide open we may actually see the signs he has sent us to change our lives. I am no saint, but every day I try to do something for another with no expectation of return and pray that I am pleasing to God.

I know l lot of people are thinking (as if a lot of people are reading this...lol) everyday, really? Well, yes everyday that you are able. One of the mornings I was waiting for word about my son I was awakened early, I don't know by what and I went outside and this is the gift that God gave to me:

I have a friend that on his 90th birthday slipped and fell in his driveway rendering him bedridden after surgery for many weeks, with a broken hip. He had just recovered from a fall that injured  his shoulder, but he soldiered on and the only thing I ever heard him say about that one was "Thank God my daughter was there when I fell." After the second accident the family thought he was facing his last days, but it turned out that he had an intestinal problem that made it impossible for him to get to the bathroom on time and he was reluctant to get out of bed. Once it passed though, he was like an Olympian training for a race. Each time I saw him he would show me how he could get himself out of bed and scurry down the corridor with the use of his walker. The only thing he ever said about that incident was "Thank God the Verizon men working across the street saw me fall and were able to call 911." To me that proves that God exists and that our faithful devotion to him will see us through everything we encounter. However, when it comes to motherhood  my senses go numb. My friend is a God loving, Christian man and nothing seems too difficult for him to choose not to move forward. I hope that is something my youngest son can find and learn to live with, because then he can teach me.

A week before this last incident with my son, I was in his hospital room while he went to take a shower. As I looked into the corridor, I saw, on an open door across from me, what looked like a row of paper dolls were ingrained in the door. As I looked further I realized they looked more like a row of paper doll angels because wings were visible in between each one. I know that many do not believe that God sends us signs, but this to me was a sign that God would guide my son through this. However, there was some point where my son changed his mind about recovery and went on a rampage of destruction and deceit which was totally out of character for him. I shiver at the idea of how he will feel when he realizes that this wide eyed blackout he has been in these last two weeks, has made him do things he would never have done in a sober and Godly mind.
He has a long road ahead of him and I will pray daily that God will guide him in this journey and make it difficult enough for him that he never wants to start over like this again.

Thank you God for keeping him safe.

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Where does it come from? Why do we always think that everyone else is in control of our life? My son has just spent 18 hours trying to be right about something he could never possibly be right about, especially in his alcoholic mind. Knowing this was the case, I took my attention completely away from what he was saying and doing. Literally, just no attention whatsoever to whatever he did.  He finally got to the point where he had over-thought everything that had happened to him all day yesterday to the point of near insanity. Well, maybe not near, pretty much, right on.

How hard is life? Why does anyone even ask a question like that? Life is hard, yes, every minute of every day, if that is what you think it is. Everything is just what you think, because you are the one doing the thinking. One is never privy to what others are thinking unless they are being told what the other is thinking. None of us can read the mind of others; that is why Eckhart Tolle suggests we think, “It is not our business what others think of us,” because we can never GUESS what they are thinking. So why try? We try because we don’t have the answers, and we don’t have the answers because we are not looking for them, we are only looking to be right. What a waste of time and energy that is.

Finally, my son comes to me and asks me why life is so hard and why he is not getting it; and I say this. “The next time you are having a day like you did yesterday just ask yourself this question, “What would Jesus do?” He starts to think about that for a minute and then we both start laughing at how simple that is. “Change your mind, change your life,” is how Wayne Dyer puts it.

I told him the story about how when I was at one of my lowest points during this last bout with mental illness, I heard this statement “what is one thing that your father said to you that changed your life?” And then proceeded to tell him how when I read or heard that I started laughing and thought, “are you kidding me, what could I possibly learn from an abusive alcoholic?” In the next minute, two thoughts ran through my head, they were…”Be a leader not a follower,” and “it’s all in your head.” He started laughing with me. I said “seriously do you think I would have ever thought about those things had I not had my mind open to the voice within? No, I couldn’t, I would have still been too afraid of what was in my head.”

The greatest fear most people have is the fear of dying. My son says that when the craving for the alcohol comes he thinks he might die if he does not get a drink soon. Well, I asked him, “Why are people afraid of dying?” I then proceeded to tell him that they are afraid of dying because some part of them believes in the afterlife and does not remember or believe that the work has already been done for them and they will have an amazing afterlife at the hand of Jesus. God sent his only son to walk amongst other humans so “He” had a first-hand look at how hard it was going to be for us, so he gave his only son to save us from our sins, knowing full well that every man would sin, maybe even every day, so he gave us an out(grace). That doesn’t mean we should go about our lives sinning and just waiting to ask for forgiveness. It means that we get up every day and face whatever challenges he puts in front of us and we do the very best we can to get through them in the very best way we can. We get through them as Jesus would. So asking ourselves “what would Jesus do?” and then sitting in our quiet mind, the answer comes and we do the right thing, instead of trying to be right. The right thing is clearly written for us in the Bible. So the answer to every question we could possibly ask ourselves is already in there.

My son had tears in his eyes through most of our conversation, some from laughter, some from pain, but he got the answer he was looking for, not the one that made him right, but the one that was the “right answer.”

I also reminded him of how I came back to my faith. I was again in that fearful place in my mind and looked up and saw my mother’s bible on the entertainment center in my living room. I hadn’t seen that bible in more years than I could remember and I have no plausible explanation for it, I just know that when I walked over and picked it up I found the message my mother left for me on the inside cover. I had been complaining to many people, that my mother had never said she loved me, she never said good-bye, and she never thanked me for taking care of her those last six months or her life as she wrestled and lost her battle with colon cancer. The message read Prove 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old he will not depart from it.” And then Acts 17:28 “For in him we live and move, and have our being; for we are also his offspring.” Funny how things come to us, but as I was writing what she had written just now, I looked on the next side of the page and it said “Day of Pentecost” (Birthday of Church) (6-6-65) Day apostles received Holy Ghost and ability to speak in tongues.” I just read that yesterday in my daily Bible reading. It all just goes to show that while we are communing with God, all day every day, he is communing with us.

I spent most of the day yesterday singing, “Just as I Am without One Plea,” and replaying the words “but that thy blood was shed for me,” did I ever think I would need those words today or that an opportunity to use them would come to me so quickly. “And thou bidd’st me come to thee, O Lamb of God, I come, I come.”

Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

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1 Corinthians 13:7 We all, these days, will tend to want to question what has happened in Japan, what negative things have taken place in our life, but it is not necessary to put ourselves through that. When we are in pain, mourning, depression,and  anxiety we are bringing this on ourselves. "We are responsible for our own reality." We can change anything because "With God all things are possible."
He tells us that he will carry us through all the negative things that happen to us, but do we ALL listen? NO...
What is the expression people use so often...? "What does not break us will make us stronger." Why? Because God puts challenges in front of us, everyday and it is our purpose to overcome them with his guidance. Mourning is a natural thing to do when someone we love is lost to us, but we should remember that they are with God now and we will see them again when He comes. We will be re-united with our lost loved ones, their spirit will rise with their body and we will be whole with them again, in the rapture and Glory of God.
I sat in a Bible class last week and my pastor said to me that the spirit will return to the body and we will all be whole again, My first thought was, OMG...my sister was cremated and her ashes sit on the top shelf of my entertainment center, what have I done? So I asked him, "are you saying that I have disposed of her remains in a way that will stop her from re-uniting with her spirit?" As tears ran down my face, I waited for his answer. He said, I should not worry because Christians will be re-united with their bodies even from dust.  After all,  that is how we come into the world. Those were not his exact words, I am expressing my relief in the thoughts that followed after what he told me. My relief was great and I let out a huge sigh, but I was thinking about my daughter too. My greatest loss was her tiny life, lost to me at 6 months old.
People ask me all the time, how did you go on, how did you get over it. In the past I was able to say, "I don't know, I guess I just pushed through it because I went right on to taking caring of my mother as she spent her last 6 months with a diagnosis of terminal Colon Cancer. Was I just too busy to think about her? Well, I know that is not true because every night I would stay up late enough to give my mother her last dose of Morphine so she (and I ) could sleep through the night without pain.  Hers from the cancer, mine from mourning the loss of my child. I thought a lot and read a lot about death then. My Uncle, thinking that I would understand and accept my mother's and my daughter's death easier if I understood the dying process, had given me books that told me what to expect; and I am grateful that he did that, but did it make the process any easier, No. No because my mother was still going to go through this process and understanding it was part of my acceptance of her dying, but easier, nothing makes the dying process easier for anyone except through their faith. My mother was a faithful Christian through her life and especially during her last days and I knew that she was going to be re-united with those that she lost, including my daughter; but I found humor in the fact that she believed she would be re-united with my father. In her last days she would have vivid conversations with him in the late night before her final dose of medication. She also survived with a barely registering blood pressure for two days, and I believe that she was holding on to be re-united with him on their Anniversary.
Most of my life with my father was filled with abusive alcoholism. He drank, he stewed, and then he blew. It was a daily ritual for my sister's, my mother, and I. We would sit in the kitchen and wait for him to go to bed so we could breath again. Not that we literally held our breath, but we tried not to make any sound that would set him off. The worst part about trying to be quiet or trying to stop anything else, is that the more you try to stop it, the more it comes up. It is true with anything we try to get rid of, the more you try to get rid of it, the more it comes back to you. If I had known then that that is the way the "law of attraction" works, I would have suggested that we think differently about what we were trying to avoid, so something good would have come out of the time we spent waiting for something bad to happen. Funny, right? What a waste of time it was. I often wonder what we could have done, that would have put the abuse at bay, while we accomplished it and these days I have found the answer, it was no secret. I just never realized that we could very well have taken our focus off the fear we were feeling by being quietly creative.  It would have lessened my father's power over us, and given us something to see at the end of each of these experiences.
I do these things now because I know they work, but what a blessing it would have been for all of us together to be doing something quietly creative. I paint, quilt, sketch, and make crafts now, and I do them quietly; and with the express purpose of keeping fear, anxiety, and depression from taking over my mind. Sad that it took me this many years to discover that, but I have and I use it effectively now, not as a manner of keeping my father away, but to keep depression and anxiety from locking my mind in fear and sometimes, terror.
A few years back when my depression and anxiety manifested as Agoraphobia, my mind and my body  were keeping me locked in my home, similar to the way my father, unbeknown to him, kept us locked in the kitchen quietly trying to avoid his wrath. What I discovered about that I will cover tomorrow, but remember:

Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. 1 Corinthians 13:7

With God all Things are Possible Good or Bad

I had a very perplexing day yesterday. Everywhere, everyone is talking about the disaster in Japan. Confused by some reactions of how people are saying that we should not pray for them because they are an Atheist country. Really! There are also Christian survivors there that have lost loved ones, and Atheists that have lost loved ones. We should pray that all of them find peace from all that they have lost.  We should also pray that many will see this as a sign of what God told us would come our way. I am not saying this as a doomsday post, I am merely saying we should all at all times be prepared for his coming by accepting Jesus as our Savior so that when our own time comes we are prepared. That is what love is about. Loving all that believe AND do not believe.  It is our purpose to share the word of god with others, but it is EVEN MORE PURPOSEFUL now to empathize and pray for those that have lost so much and so many.  Even more pray with gratitude for all that we have. Being grateful everyday for all that God has given us, and that is EVERYTHING.

Remembering that everything is thought first, think only good thoughts. Praise God with gratitude that we are not the survivors of such a tumultuous disaster, but remembering that we could be at anytime. Are you ready to leave this earth?
The greatest fear that most people have is the "fear of death," but those that have accepted Christ as their savior do not fear death, instead they believe that whatever happens in their life God is always with them. Relieve yourself of the greatest fear, the Fear of death, and realize if that is greatest fear, then "Fear is not a rational thought."This is a thought that I often play in my mind when plagued by Agoraphobia (fear of open spaces.)
My family's cookbook called "Traveling Recipes" is for sale as a pdf file on Etsy, all of the proceeds this from the sales this month are going to Autism Intervention Specialists.
Also try to turn the world BLUE on April 1,2, 2011 for Autism Awareness