Saturday, November 28, 2009


From left to right, the bats used to hit Babe ...Image via Wikipedia

I took a second job, as a special needs bus driver so I would have a vehicle without expenses and became a home demonstrator for a direct sales company. My youngest son was at an age where he was old enough to care for the children and although it was a heavy burden for a young boy that had only a few years before lost his sister and both grandparents, he helped to hold us all together. He was my Godsend, and in time, our lives settled into peaceful ones, at least for a while. We had a few vandalizing events around Christmas the first year. Someone took a baseball bat to the windows of my school vehicle and through a larger boulder through the picture window where the Christmas tree stood. I never tried to prove these things were his doing, but I had a sense about them. I tried so hard to stay in a positive state of mind amidst the turmoil. It was hard and I began treatment for depression, despite being able to carry out all the necessary things in my life, it triggered an old disability of clinical depression. There was great fear lingering in me all the time but I had to keep going for the children. I never spoke a bad word about their father or made them privy to the fear I had about the vandalism, but in time, they formed their own opinion about how they felt about him. If one always does what is right, the truth will always come out. The truth was not mine to tell, but my children found it anyway. When they did, I was there to talk them through it until my youngest son turned 13.
My ex-husband was also a narcissist; something we would discover later on, but if my children did not call him every day and tell him how grateful they were for everything that he gave them, he would spin into a tirade.(A God complex) Many phone conversations and lies later, he called and told my youngest son, the only one that still loved him, never to call him again. He broke my son that day, and although I have forgiven him, I have no use for the man in my life and neither do my children. What kind of parent says something like that to their child? He went on later to say to me that “my” children were “white trash, and had never been raised properly.” My children, really? I responded with, “Never call me again, you have no idea what it means to parent a child and the influence you “inflict” on my children is destroying them.” A few months later, I learned, not by him, but from the return address on the child support payment, he resented every month he made it, that he and his wife moved to Georgia. Well, I say good luck to Georgia. He had burned all his bridges in this area and needed to re-locate, re-invent, and run from all the mistakes he had made here. (cont’d)

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Wednesday, November 25, 2009


119.365 - ...Then comes marriage...Image by Jeff the Trojan via Flickr

The years that past after my mother died, were years I lived in numbness and platitudes, hanging on for dear life, with no idea what I was doing. Completely unaware that the man I loved had been having an affair with my so-called “best friend” for about two years. He issued me an ultimatum in regards to our relationship, marry him or he was leaving. Unable to think of losing another person in my life, I felt the only answer was yes. I half-heartedly prepared for a wedding I never should have had, and a life that I would regret for many years. The day of the wedding that same friend stood up for me as my matron-of-honor, (yes she was also married) and moments before the ceremony she asked me why I was marrying him, and I told her the reason I just mentioned. I was not ready to be alone again with my nine year old son (from my first marriage) still to mother. She told me she thought I was making a mistake an even tried to tell me about the two of them, but it cast upon deaf ears. Within the first year, I was pregnant again and had my daughter, and then 15 months later my son. The marriage was a horror show; he cheated with her and so many other women that I forced him in to counseling and a diagnosis as psychosis and sexual addiction. After many false promises, it continued and I knew I would have to leave him.
As soon as I was able, I got a job as a server, so I could work nights and he could stay with the children. What was I thinking? Within a few months of me working, he called me one night to tell me that he could not handle taking care of the children, so I needed to quit my job. I didn’t, and he continued to complain until one night after putting the children to bed with their day clothes on, my daughter woke up and needed to go to the bathroom. When he couldn’t open the shorts she was wearing, because the other hand was holding the telephone, he ripped the shorts off her in anger and sent her to the bathroom and to bed angrily. When I got home that evening, I found the clothes in the trash and hid them in the basement. Two days later, I went to the courthouse with the shorts and some pictures I found of him with my friend, and got a restraining order. That afternoon I watched as the police escorted him from the property. His anger came in so many ways, and when I became oblivious to one, he would move on to another. Life became even more dangerous when I didn’t know where he was or what he was doing.

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Tuesday, November 24, 2009


Everything is first a thought, so choose good ones. Know that "YOU" create your own reality, and watch "YOU" make your dreams come true.

"And out of nowhere and nothing"

Cover of "Braveheart (Special Collector's...Cover via Amazon

As a Braveheart Woman I would like to share my story by posting small parts each day. If one woman is helped by what I write about my life, then my purpose will be live.
At the age of 61, I feel my life is just beginning. After raising my three, now adult children, I am taking time to fulfill my purpose in the world. In hindsight, I have seen the results of the law of attraction. Twenty-six years ago, while I was pregnant with my second child, I was building a fitness center. I had no money, no good credit, to speak of, but a mind full of passion, knowledge, (having managed health clubs) and faith.
Well into my daughter’s first month of life, a diagnosis of heart failure was difficult news to accept. After her first surgery, she seemed to thrive, but she still had a long road to recovery. Her aorta was not opening and closing and she needed a new one to replace it. Technology for this disorder was minimal, at that time, and after 30 days in the hospital with her she was finally scheduled for surgery where the surgeon planned to open the valve and leave it open. At the time, I was grasping at straws and fighting with medical people so when the surgeon said she had a “40 percent chance of recovery and an article for him in a medical journal,” I said yes to the surgery. Gillian, my precious six-month old died that day. My mother at the time was in the hospital facing the removal of her colon due to colon cancer. As we left the hospital, the only thing that I could think of was how to tell my Mom that we had lost Gillian, and still convince her to continue treatment. When I got there she already knew, my nephew told her. Having lost my father two years before to suicide from drinking rubbing alcohol, I again, had to put my grief on hold to care for another.
The night before I left my home and my fledgling business to move in with my mother and care for her, two men showed up at the health club. What I remember was them saying, “We work for two Fortune 500 companies and we want to finance your project. “ I don’t know if it was grief, fear of success, or just plain numbness, but I had to turn them down. It appeared to me that my purpose was to care for my mother. My oldest sister on the other hand, wanted to put her in a nursing home close to where we both lived. Torn, because my sister was not privy to the discussion I had with my mother the day before her release from the hospital, which was also the hospital my precious baby died in, I just went forward again believing that this was my purpose, and the health club was a selfish act, so I gave it up. Looking back now, I see that a wonderful opportunity was being handed me and I had to say no because “I believed” that my purpose was to care for my mother.
To be continued daily:

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Friday, November 20, 2009


successful business woman on a laptopImage by Search Engine People Blog via Flickr

I sat at my computer first thing this morning, avoiding my Algebra homework, as usual, and found an invitation to what looks like a network for women with aspirations and ideas that will be part of the world as it changes. I hope it is something you will all join me in. Take a look at the influential and powerful women that have joined and see yourself that way. When you do...join, at least as a FREE member and begin a new journey to discovering the power within you. See you on the other side.

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Saturday, November 14, 2009

God has Such a Great Sense of Humor

I wonder what my next thought will be?Image by dannie4852 via Flickr

The Universe has such a strange way of letting us know what is going on. I was talking to one of my aunts today and I mentioned that I was more spiritual than religious (or Christian) and she pointed out what people actually perceive when they hear either of those words. Christian brings Jerry Falwell to mind, and Spiritual brings Shirley MacLaine to mind. Funny thing is I have nothing in common with either of those personalities, and my spiritual self is my Christian self. I guess it is the same as using God vs Universe in conversation. I guess when you go through experiences where you relate to others what it is you believe, one has a tendency to draw back from the truth, afraid what others may think. I thought I had done away with that when I learned "It is not my business what others think of me," by Eckhart Tolle. I guess I have to work harder.
During the conversation I mentioned to her that the Universe was sending me mixed messages lately like when I worked at the church bazaar last week and I was once again, in the middle of my two sisters, Martha and Judy. The woman on my right was named Judy and the woman on my left was named Martha. Even though my sister Judy is dead, I am still in the middle of them both, and I never should have been. I was the youngest, not the middle child. Oh well, I went on to point out to my aunt that my father must be trying to get a message to me also, because the morning after the bazaar I found my father in the kitty litter box...I know weird right? Actually his picture fell off the wall into the litter box below it.
But I digress. So I was walking the other night and some things were running through my mind and a conversation I had with one of my aunts came through, and I was suddenly struck by the sheer joy of it. She asked me what I wanted to do with my life and I said "I want to be an inspiration to others, to make a difference." The thing that made me laugh was that I have just decided to join a Direct Sales company which is something I shared with that aunt, and I remember feeling that we were inspiring others. As a matter of fact, I know we were. We loved what we were doing and we did it really well. So here is the answer to her question coming about, but what is the Universe trying to tell me about my sisters and my father. He is probably trying to get me to make up with my oldest sister, after our falling out. I am too comfortable to do that though. It seems that I like a lot less drama in my life these days. I am not angry with my sister, I am just enjoying having my children to myself, and I hope she is enjoying the same thing. But who knows...maybe I should ask Shirley MacLaine. What does my father being in the litter box really mean? lol
God does have a good sense of humor, right?

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