Oh No, she's up!

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On Sunday my pastor, after returning from a conference, shared a story one of the author s shared with him. The story was about a mother that was concerned about her non-believing children. I was totally inspired by her response to what to do for our children when they can't find their way. She said, "If the devil wants my children he will have to cross over thousands of prayers." I was instantly gratified by the calming that took place in me after hearing this. After the service I went to thank him for the sermon and he said, he was thinking about me when he heard it, because he knows my greatest struggle is for my children to become believers. We never know what to do if we are called home and our children are not saved, it is a Christian Mother's greatest concern, but try to remember this story if you are the mother of non-believers and accept the comfort it gave me.
I just got off the phone with my youngest who is back in recovery and he informed me that he is considering joining the military, another great concern for mothers. I told him I would support what ever he decides because I know that God is with him, even if he doesn't always know; and I know that the devil will have to climb over thousands of my prayers also to get to him. So look out for me Devil!

SAD~

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As we enter into the holidays many people will suffer from a condition called SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). It is important to notice if you see the symptoms in any of your friends or family group. The "symptoms include tiredness, fatigue, depression, crying spells, irritability, trouble concentrating, body aches, loss of sex drive, poor sleep, decreased activity level, and overeating, especially with carbohydrates, with associated weight gain." (according to Medicinenet.com)
Many of these symptoms are things we see in friends and family every day, but the difference is when they are more pronounced during a particular season or time of the year. Sometimes it comes from grief without even knowing that is what is causing it. Losing a loved one around a holiday leaves a reminder of that grief and some never recognize it until it is mentioned by another or something reminds them of the person lost.

Diagnosed in my twenties with clinical depression, has made my journey a long one. I have had bouts of severe depression ranging from blue days to an anxiety disorder manifesting as Agoraphobia. (fear of open spaces) There are periods of time when I am very teary for what I think is no reason, then suddenly remember it is the anniversary of the loss of a loved one, and it is grief I am experiencing.

I still, after 28 years, always remember my 6 month old daughter lost to me on a Mother's Day weekend. Her birthday is the day before Halloween and this year I was in Florida on vacation with no reminder of that loss. I was enjoying myself more than I had in years.Upon returning, it took about a week for it to hit me. I was sitting in my Bible Class and some mention was made about how, as parents, we regret when our children have not been saved. It immediately ran through my mind that I had my baby girl (Gillian Marie) baptized twice just to be sure that if anything happened to her while she was in the hospital, I would have done the right thing. According to what was being said, I heard, "none of us know who the elect will be, only God knows." I immediately began to tear up. I was feeling inadequate as a parent. I thought for that moment, that I had any control over whether or not my child would be in the New World when it comes, and realized I don't. As it was explained further, I questioned my life, and realized I had conceived this child in sin, but was instantly reassured that children are not responsible for the sins of the parents. It wasn't enough for me at that moment. I left the class and when I got to my car I could barely see where I was driving I was crying so hard. I went immediately to the cemetery where my child was buried, and searched for her grave. For more than a minute I couldn't even find it. I was so lost and wondered why it wasn't where I remembered it to be. I sat in my car and prayed that I could remember, and in the next moment I looked up and realized that it was right where it always was, I was just looking for the wrong color of the stone. I instantly got out of the car and went over to where her ground marker lay, and realized that no one had cleared the grass away for quite awhile. I began, through these thundering tears, to rip the grass away all around the stone. I sat there and asked for her forgiveness. What that could do for me, I don't know, but it was something. I knew I had to do something to stop the tears and remember the beauty about her. Then I was relieved to "feel the presence of the Holy Spirit "(inside) assuring me she was at the right hand of God. I thanked God that she did not have to carry my burden to the grave. A few moments later the wonderful memories of her gentle sweetness filled me, and I began to stop crying and feel a sense of the world around me again. I realized for that day, and at that moment, that I had forgotten to feel the grief I normally do around that time, and that a gentle reminder of her beauty and grace was all I needed to be lifted up again.
That is just a small reminder of the type of emotion that can take over the life of one that suffers from clinical depression or SAD. It made me question my faith and my own goodness, but somehow got a gentle reminder that I was thinking irrationally, and God was righted my thinking.

There is no total recovery from clinical depression but it is a manageable disease like any other. A broken arm, leg or other body limb heals, a broken heart heals, but depression is a silent disease that can spring about at any time. A regimen of anti-depressions are usually prescribed, and in my case, a lifetime commitment. I can get through each day without the heavy burden of sadness that sometimes overwhelmed me in the past, but holidays, and reminders of loss will usually surface, but not quite as prominent as this last one.
If you know a friend or relative who suffers from SAD who may not know that they suffer from it, it is wise to make a "gentle" reference to it; but let them figure it out on their own. Telling someone, who "you think" may suffer from depression and has not been diagnosed, what your thought about it are, will not necessarily move them in the right direction. So be careful not to judge or make assumptions about their state of mind. We are all different and we cannot possibly know what is in the mind or the heart of another unless we are being told by him or her. It is a difficult place to be if you have never, yourself, suffered from this debilitating disease, to stand by and watch a loved one go through it; but recovery is a choice that only they can make, and nagging or self righteousness will not get them to recovery any faster than they can themselves. Pray for them that God will open their heart and they will be directed in the right place to receive the treatment they need, and remember to applaud their choice when they choose recovery, because it is a difficult choice to make, especially if it has gone on too long. So be wise, and leave only a gentle message for them, as a push or a shove may just make them tumble.
I hope this helps just one person this year recognize, get diagnosed, and treated for any form of depression.  The list is long and they come in all colors and sizes.
Have Wondrous and Happy Holidays All

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Where does it come from? Why do we always think that everyone else is in control of our life? My son has just spent 18 hours trying to be right about something he could never possibly be right about, especially in his alcoholic mind. Knowing this was the case, I took my attention completely away from what he was saying and doing. Literally, just no attention whatsoever to whatever he did.  He finally got to the point where he had over-thought everything that had happened to him all day yesterday to the point of near insanity. Well, maybe not near, pretty much, right on.

How hard is life? Why does anyone even ask a question like that? Life is hard, yes, every minute of every day, if that is what you think it is. Everything is just what you think, because you are the one doing the thinking. One is never privy to what others are thinking unless they are being told what the other is thinking. None of us can read the mind of others; that is why Eckhart Tolle suggests we think, “It is not our business what others think of us,” because we can never GUESS what they are thinking. So why try? We try because we don’t have the answers, and we don’t have the answers because we are not looking for them, we are only looking to be right. What a waste of time and energy that is.

Finally, my son comes to me and asks me why life is so hard and why he is not getting it; and I say this. “The next time you are having a day like you did yesterday just ask yourself this question, “What would Jesus do?” He starts to think about that for a minute and then we both start laughing at how simple that is. “Change your mind, change your life,” is how Wayne Dyer puts it.

I told him the story about how when I was at one of my lowest points during this last bout with mental illness, I heard this statement “what is one thing that your father said to you that changed your life?” And then proceeded to tell him how when I read or heard that I started laughing and thought, “are you kidding me, what could I possibly learn from an abusive alcoholic?” In the next minute, two thoughts ran through my head, they were…”Be a leader not a follower,” and “it’s all in your head.” He started laughing with me. I said “seriously do you think I would have ever thought about those things had I not had my mind open to the voice within? No, I couldn’t, I would have still been too afraid of what was in my head.”

The greatest fear most people have is the fear of dying. My son says that when the craving for the alcohol comes he thinks he might die if he does not get a drink soon. Well, I asked him, “Why are people afraid of dying?” I then proceeded to tell him that they are afraid of dying because some part of them believes in the afterlife and does not remember or believe that the work has already been done for them and they will have an amazing afterlife at the hand of Jesus. God sent his only son to walk amongst other humans so “He” had a first-hand look at how hard it was going to be for us, so he gave his only son to save us from our sins, knowing full well that every man would sin, maybe even every day, so he gave us an out(grace). That doesn’t mean we should go about our lives sinning and just waiting to ask for forgiveness. It means that we get up every day and face whatever challenges he puts in front of us and we do the very best we can to get through them in the very best way we can. We get through them as Jesus would. So asking ourselves “what would Jesus do?” and then sitting in our quiet mind, the answer comes and we do the right thing, instead of trying to be right. The right thing is clearly written for us in the Bible. So the answer to every question we could possibly ask ourselves is already in there.

My son had tears in his eyes through most of our conversation, some from laughter, some from pain, but he got the answer he was looking for, not the one that made him right, but the one that was the “right answer.”

I also reminded him of how I came back to my faith. I was again in that fearful place in my mind and looked up and saw my mother’s bible on the entertainment center in my living room. I hadn’t seen that bible in more years than I could remember and I have no plausible explanation for it, I just know that when I walked over and picked it up I found the message my mother left for me on the inside cover. I had been complaining to many people, that my mother had never said she loved me, she never said good-bye, and she never thanked me for taking care of her those last six months or her life as she wrestled and lost her battle with colon cancer. The message read Prove 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old he will not depart from it.” And then Acts 17:28 “For in him we live and move, and have our being; for we are also his offspring.” Funny how things come to us, but as I was writing what she had written just now, I looked on the next side of the page and it said “Day of Pentecost” (Birthday of Church) (6-6-65) Day apostles received Holy Ghost and ability to speak in tongues.” I just read that yesterday in my daily Bible reading. It all just goes to show that while we are communing with God, all day every day, he is communing with us.

I spent most of the day yesterday singing, “Just as I Am without One Plea,” and replaying the words “but that thy blood was shed for me,” did I ever think I would need those words today or that an opportunity to use them would come to me so quickly. “And thou bidd’st me come to thee, O Lamb of God, I come, I come.”

The "Gift" we have already been given.

Image by dannie4852 via Flickr

I found the power of forgiveness this week. Tough lesson, and a long time coming; but so powerful. The burden that it releases is so full of emotion, but so peaceful in the end. Faith is a feeling... not a thought. How strange that it takes so long to learn something so simple. It makes one wonders how long they have been sleeping. This is the difference between the conscious and unconscious mind. Finding the inner self is a journey worth taking, as long as the path is clear. Many get hung up on the path itself and forget to listen for the directions. It is not the path, but the voice that comes from within; leading the way. An open mind can be a scary place to be for some, but the only path to peace is to open it up, and let faith guide one through the journey.
When we harbor ill will or blame others for our unhappiness, pain body, and sadness; we collect and carry the weight with us for a long time. Learning to immediately release forgiveness is the only way to stay on a peaceful course. We have already been given the directions, we just have to read them everyday and believe they are the truth. The truth is in the word of God, the only laws are God's laws and when we find them, we must commit them to memory. We must make them the language we use, the thoughts that we have, the information we share, and most of all, the way we live. So much comes in return, although following these laws does not guarantee reward or even compensation, the act itself is reward enough. To see another experience the joy of being forgiven, is joy enough to last a lifetime. To be forgiven is a gift we have already been given, we just have to use our faith to accept it. It will always be worth it in the end. Open your mind today, and if you hear nothing...open the BIBLE and read the truth.

There is a reason it is called The Pepsi "Challenge"

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or the third time in 2010 we did not collect enough votes to stay in the running. I will probably run again in March when they start accepting new Grantees. I am collecting resources now to get to the top in April. I will be asking many craft, and quilting sites to offer me their support. I will begin collecting them on my Face book page for the "challenge." It is a difficult challenge to win because it is based "totally" on people voting for me. I never give up, so I'll be in the fight again come March or April. So look for us and go to my page on Facebook to offer your commitment to vote for me. Please share with friends and family because this challenge is not about me it is about the disabled. Visit OUR GRATITUDE regularly to check for updates and our new start date.
I hope all that read this will go to the page join and lend "helping others with no expectation of return," is how life is meant to be lived. I hope to serve the disabled in my community and many others with this program. Please join in and lend me your support by beginning to collect bloggers, friends, and families to vote for us during our next challenge.

AND OUT OF NOWHERE AND NOTHING (Cont'd)

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DAY 3 (Cont'd)
I let the fear of the phone calls take over for awhile until I realized that I had to begin believing the danger was gone; the least I had to do, was to develop a “fake it to til I make it,” mind-set to keep going and put the fear away as long as I could. It worked for a while but eventually it flooded back in different ways; this time it came as Agoraphobia, (fear of open spaces, or the outside) and it hit me after my sister died suddenly from Heart disease.
My sister led a simple but sad life. She believed all she had to live for was spending time with my children, and her job, which suited her and she was very good at it. My sister struggled with her identity daily. Her job as a security guard lent her to the power that was missing in the other aspects of her life. I could not even say she was content, but she did the best she could with what she was able to face about herself. Unknowing to her, she was loved and respected by so many people, that there was an outpouring of people at her wake, and the many so called, coincidences in her life emerged in ways she never would have expected. The numbers of people from different parts of her life connected outside of her, so much so, that it would have blown her away. My sister-in-law from my first marriage came and reminded me that my sister was the one that helped her get the job at the hospital she still works in. In the next instance, my sister-in-law was speaking to the wife of the property owner of the apartment my sister lived in. These two women had worked together in the past, and were chatting about it, when the aunt, who was the closest to my sister, joined the conversation. My aunt recognized one of the women and discovered that the woman was married to her late husband’s nephew. Strange, considering my sister was having such a difficult time finding a place to live just a few years earlier, and to have landed in this apartment was remarkable. These things to me appear as coincidences; but I know they are the working of the Universe to bring all these people together, and I also believe that my sister knows now that these things took place.  Since my introduction to the movie "The Secret," so many things become clear to me when I begin to realize that we are responsible for our own reality, I just wish my sister had been able to see her reality through my eyes.

CHANGE THE WAY YOU LOOK AT THINGS

Cover via Amazon

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"If you change the way you look at things,
the things you look at change."
— Dr. Wayne Dyer: Self-development author and speaker

I read this in an email this morning from Nightingale-Conant and it slapped me right in the face. I joked with my friend Michele about this yesterday, but it really wasn't funny. I use humor to take the sting off the things I know I am still floundering with, but need to change. I jokingly said to her, "seriously what do I have to do, be psychoanalyzed?" That was a question about an addiction I have developed to replace smoking 3 1/2 packs of cigarettes and a bottle of alcohol 2 years ago, with of all things, potato sticks.

I learn something new everyday, I try something new everyday, I know what my plans are but putting them down and moving toward them is truly frightening when one begins to believe the dream may actually come true, and you may actually have to do the work. The synchronicities become so overwhelming, you cannot decide where to begin. The beginning or the end.

Many years a go I was given an opportunity to make a dream come true and was moving everyday in the direction of its completion,amidst great defeat and turmoil, but I chose to take care of my mother at the time (she was sick with Cancer, and asked me to care for her at home) and leave the dream behind. The funny thing is, I was grieving for the loss of my child, (tomorrow is the Anniversary my child's passing) but I was fully believing that I was moving in the direction of my dream,seeing it coming to fruition; and the night before I went to stay with my mother, the one thing missing in the dream...came face to face with me,(the major financing) and I had to say, no. I still wonder if that was self-sabotage or was I just doing the right thing by leaving it all behind to be a good daughter, and a good mother. Well, today is when I stop wondering about it and start moving forward in my dream. Win or lose, pass or fail, it begins today.

I am in the process of creating a blueprint for a day program for high functioning adults debilitated from disabilities, either physical or mental. When I first became debilitated with Agoraphobia 4 years ago, there were no programs like this available for me in my community. I want to create that program and I am taking the first baby steps toward it with a new Social Network that I am creating called "The Prayer Chest." The purpose of the Network is to sell the book "The Prayer Chest," and use the minuscule proceeds from those sales to fund the creation of the program. I am looking to sell 1 million copies. The proceeds are only like 6 cents from the sale of each book, but the authors(2 ministers) will reap the benefit of the sales and I will be able to fund this community project. Please let others know and ask them to come here and click on the link to purchase the book from Amazon.com, or go to my Craft Blog and purchase it there. There is a vital and necessary need for this program in my community and I want to payback for the help that I have gotten by re-creating the resources I used to find recovery. I believe I can do this, and I believe that it will benefit my commjunity greatly and maybe other communities as well. Please sendd this to a friend or pass it along any way you can. Please, people need this program.

His Family Breathes Love for Him

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Somewhere back in my earlier posts I mention that I am in recovery from Agoraphobia (fear of open spaces). Well, today I have to say big freakin deal...I was sitting here at 11:00 p.m. tonight thinking about going to bed but was not quite tired enough. As I scrolled through the listings in my DVR, I saw that Oprah's interview with Michael J. Fox was on today. I have only, at this moment, seen the first 10 minutes; and the crappy day I thought I was having is nothing, nil. My recovery from Agoraphobia is nothing, nil, my quitting smoking is nothing, nil...my giving up excessive drinking is nothing, nil. What Michael J. Fox and his family are living is
"everything to everyone." I am sitting here now so blown away by the courage and fortitude that man has; and I am so grateful that President Obama has signed the bill that is going to help Michael have the life he so deserves.
There is so much love in his life. Just breathing the love his children and wife have for him must be his miracle drug. I have yet to read his book, but it is so on my list right now.

It's amazing that whenever you think things are bad in your life; something always comes along that makes you remember how grateful you are for everything and everybody in your life. All I can say is Thank you, God...thank you...thank you, for this wonderful human being, that is Michael J. Fox.

I am touched, motivated, and blessed that I was not ready to go to sleep, and took the opportunity to listen to this interview. If you haven't see it I hope they will repeat it (I'm sure they will). But, in the meantime, just remember to be grateful everyday for everything.

THE SILVA MIND POWER CENTER

IT WAS JUST A SIMPLE WALK!

Image by Farruska via FlickrIn a conversation today, with a friend, I remembered that I have always said, when people are “thinking or feeling” that others dislike them, or are talking about them or they believe they do not like them, this is what I think “unless you tell me that you do not like me, I will assume that you do.” I have always played that in my mind. I developed it a long time ago when I was trying to find “self-confidence” in myself. I find it funny now that I was actually looking for confidence in myself. If I was believing or thinking that others did not like me or were talking about me, then I was lost in “ego”. Most grow up believing that “ego” is a good thing about a person. Most have always believed that when a person has a good “ego” they have a good sense of themselves, they are confident, but, how do you have a good “ego” when the “ego” is what separates you from God. The “ego” is where you go when you are not “within“.

Being “within” is peace. I have been recovering from Agoraphobia which manifested as panic attacks. Funny, because Agoraphobia is a state of fear, as is anxiety. But “within” there is no “fear”, and there is also no “ego”. The simple fact that I know that is enough to separate myself from the “ego” and remain within. Quieting my mind.

I went out today for a power walk. Looking at me, you would never call it that. But, for me, the effort is great to actually do it. I was trapped in a mental illness for more than 4 years, that kept me confined to my home like a prisoner. I did not need locks on the door to keep me in, my mind was doing that quite well. The simple joy of taking a walk outside, something we all take for granted, was to me, today, the greatest blessing I could receive. When I was done walking I just stood and watched, practicing not labeling my vision. What peace, what joy….and to think, it was just a simple walk.