A Mother's Prayer

prayer.. (Photo credit: aronki)

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Even Christians at some time in our day or sometimes in everyday, we sin by mouth , eyes, or even ears; but by asking God to forgive us, he does. That doesn't mean we get to go out everyday and sin, it means we recognize our sins and pray for the fortitude not to sin those sins again. Some find new ones and think that is okay, but we know it is not. Our commitment is to not sin,and to be praying a consistent prayer with God all day asking him to guide us away from sin. But Satan is a strong enemy and we must be aware of the worldly things around us, (which is pretty much everything) and find our own way in the world not giving into to worldly ways.
We lose friends over this, we make enemies over this, we lose family; but our promise is that at the end of time we will be re-united with those we love at God's right hand and if we want that to be our children, then we must take the time NOW to discipline them along those lines.

I spent some time last night reading through a notebook my son had written in during his stay at the last rehab facility he was in. My heart was lifted when he spoke about falling on his knees in gratitude asking for forgiveness. It is every Christian mother's dream to have one or all of her children find their way through the Holy Spirit. It would be nice if they could find their way without having to reach the bottom, but as a mother, I will take it any way it comes to them.
Many spend their days focused on the lack of everything we do not have, when in reality, it is what keeps us from attaining those things. Focus on what we have and thank God for it everyday with the idea that God already knows what you want and it is coming to you; but it is in his time. Do not be discouraged, God is bringing you what you want so express gratitude for it, as if you have already received it and you will begin to see it surfacing in your life.

My prayer to God today is recovery for my youngest and the removal of the blinders on his eyes, and the plugs in his ears so he may see and hear what is coming his way. Thank you, Lord for caring for him and being by his side through all that he has allowed himself to go through. Give him patience and fortitude until it appears.

Ingrained Motherhood

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I have just spent 4 days with no knowledge as to where my youngest son (26) was and if he was safe for the second time in 1 month. What are we to do as mothers when mothering is so ingrained in us? This month I have heard phrases like " its all in God's hands," Don't worry, he'll be fine," "What are you doing to keep your mind off him,"It's already up to God, so there is nothing you can do about it, just move on." None of which has given me an ounce of peace. I even spent a day at a Pastoral Conference where they were focused on the assurance that God exists. Well, I know God exists, and I know he was with me and my son, but I have never been able to draw enough comfort from that to let things go. Does that make me less Christian, less of a believer? I don't even know. The only thing I know today is that no matter how good a parent you are, you can never know where Satan will surface in the life of one of your children. The one saving grace in all of this last experience is that he is my one child that not only does believes God exists and that Jesus came to save us from our sins no matter how bad you have been, or how much of Satan you have acknowledged, you need only to ask God for forgiveness and thank him for what he has provided you with and ask him to open the Holy Spirit within you. I don't mean running with Satan forever, I mean for that moment in time.

My son has lived his adolescent, teen, and now adult life using some form of substance to stuff down inside of himself, something so unbearable that he is afraid to actually let it run through his mind. Millions of people live this way, but the true thing about life is that there is nothing so unbearable  locked in one's mind that will make you burn in Hell at that moment or any other moment.

Our God is a gracious God, he readily forgives, protects, and saves you when asked. That doesn't mean you can continue down the path you are on and just choose your own time to ask for forgiveness. It means when you ask for forgiveness, repent, and follow the word he has sent to us; you can depend on him to respond. With eyes wide open we may actually see the signs he has sent us to change our lives. I am no saint, but every day I try to do something for another with no expectation of return and pray that I am pleasing to God.

I know l lot of people are thinking (as if a lot of people are reading this...lol) everyday, really? Well, yes everyday that you are able. One of the mornings I was waiting for word about my son I was awakened early, I don't know by what and I went outside and this is the gift that God gave to me:

I have a friend that on his 90th birthday slipped and fell in his driveway rendering him bedridden after surgery for many weeks, with a broken hip. He had just recovered from a fall that injured  his shoulder, but he soldiered on and the only thing I ever heard him say about that one was "Thank God my daughter was there when I fell." After the second accident the family thought he was facing his last days, but it turned out that he had an intestinal problem that made it impossible for him to get to the bathroom on time and he was reluctant to get out of bed. Once it passed though, he was like an Olympian training for a race. Each time I saw him he would show me how he could get himself out of bed and scurry down the corridor with the use of his walker. The only thing he ever said about that incident was "Thank God the Verizon men working across the street saw me fall and were able to call 911." To me that proves that God exists and that our faithful devotion to him will see us through everything we encounter. However, when it comes to motherhood  my senses go numb. My friend is a God loving, Christian man and nothing seems too difficult for him to choose not to move forward. I hope that is something my youngest son can find and learn to live with, because then he can teach me.

A week before this last incident with my son, I was in his hospital room while he went to take a shower. As I looked into the corridor, I saw, on an open door across from me, what looked like a row of paper dolls were ingrained in the door. As I looked further I realized they looked more like a row of paper doll angels because wings were visible in between each one. I know that many do not believe that God sends us signs, but this to me was a sign that God would guide my son through this. However, there was some point where my son changed his mind about recovery and went on a rampage of destruction and deceit which was totally out of character for him. I shiver at the idea of how he will feel when he realizes that this wide eyed blackout he has been in these last two weeks, has made him do things he would never have done in a sober and Godly mind.
He has a long road ahead of him and I will pray daily that God will guide him in this journey and make it difficult enough for him that he never wants to start over like this again.

Thank you God for keeping him safe.

God, help me~

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Elyse's perfect meal

As she was getting ready to prepare her first turkey, my daughter called and asked, “How do people learn this” and I answered, “they learn it from their mother, as I’m telling you now, how to do it.”
She cooked two beautiful meals that Thanksgiving, and ended up saying, “I can’t believe it was so easy.”

We all learn from our parents how to live the life God has given us, but we are not always open to hearing what they have to say because, as young people who have been taught how to be independent by our parents, either by the right way or the wrong way; we think we know everything. Then to our utter amazement, we find we are not prepared to live the life that has been given us, and must learn to live it on our own. We take the good things our parents gave us and build on them, and we take the bad things and change them. The teaching still came from our parents, but we learned to adapt it to our lives through the spirit within; our innate spirit, that which, when we are most needy; comes to us. If I were to say that to my daughter and one of my sons they would reject it all because she does not believe in God, and he does not believe in Jesus; so I must live everyday knowing that, and not wanting to alienate them, I enable their disbelief, and yet it was through my own failure that they got there.

What does a parent do when they are faced with their own mistakes? We must first take responsibility for our mistakes, realize we are human, and that God sent his only son to save us from our sin, and move on, showing our children, by example, how to live a Godly life. It’s a shame for those of us that failed to give that to our children growing up, but the only thing we can do, at this point, is to remember that there is still time. There won’t always be time “enough to teach them,” so every moment does become precious, and we must use every moment we can  to tell them that we failed, ask them to forgive us, and hope that they will listen to us now and allow their heart to change and listen to the spirit within.

I prided myself on raising independent, good-hearted children, and teaching things right the first time around so I didn’t have to re-teach them later, but I failed with the most important lessons. I worried that talking baby talk to them, would stifle their growth and I would just have to re-teach them, or teaching them right from wrong would be enough and yet here I am trying to think of a way to re-teach them to live good lives. My mistakes show, because they already believe they are living good lives, but how can I believe I succeeded when I do not see them being grateful for all that they have, being grateful for God creating everything that they have or will ever need?  I pray for God to change their hearts where I have failed, and then must live my life believing that they will find it on their own.
That is not right either, so somehow I must find the courage to share with them my deepest desire, and pray that they do not reject me as they do others that try to bring them to a changed heart. Sometimes sadness overwhelms me because of this failure, and I hear the people around me telling me that all I can do is show them by example and pray for them to come to God. That is what faith does for us, we are supposed to turn it over to God and pray that he will change their heart. I think that means that my faith is not strong enough because I cannot let it go at that, I still believe it is my responsibility to teach them. I think that God expects us to do our job and that is to raise God-like children. Yet I find it so hard for me to be so Godly, how can I expect my children who were never given the right tools; to find these answers on their own?

This is what brings me to wanting to run away. Wanting to let it go and let God, but then I see that it makes me appear unworthy, yet intellectually, I know that I am worthy. I try to think of ways to have what I want in my life, and let my children find theirs, but then I fall away from my responsibility to teach them. I am afraid of alienating them, of having them want to avoid me, as many do when they hear Christians talk about God and what he gives us. This is where the overwhelm sets in.  The woe is me….

My daughter, struggling to get what she wants in her own relationship, tells me she wishes I could be more supportive of her. It is my strongest desire to be just that, but how can you support something you know is wrong. Well, not wrong but ungrateful. Instead of being grateful that she has met, and fallen in love with a good man, she complains that she is not his first thought every day. That he should know, by some magical power, how to please her. Both of them come from dysfunctional families and have never learned how to communicate effectively what they really want, so it becomes nagging or self righteousness. Of course, pointing that out becomes criticism and lack of support. “Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when we practice to deceive,” so instead of telling her what she can and cannot expect from this man, makes me appear unsupportive. Of course, what she wants to hear, is me telling her that she is right and he is being insensitive to her needs when she hasn’t even told him what they are. I fear that there is something greater hurting her that she does not recognize and I begin to feel the guilt of my failure as a parent. When I talk to my pastor about it he tells me that all I can do is pray and remember that God has already forgiven me and none of us really know who will be the elect when the world becomes new again. And the vicious cycle begins again, and my failure stands out even more.

I hear people telling me that I have been a good parent, and that I should just accept my children as they are, which I do, by loving them unconditionally; but I still don’t feel that it is enough. Yesterday I was subjected to hearing my future daughter-in-law prosthesis what she would do for my alcoholic son if she didn’t have a job. She said she would take him to her house and nurse him through his alcoholism. The only thing I could hear from that was that I had not done enough for my son, I had not intervened enough to help him to desire sobriety. What else could I have heard? She has a job; I don’t, so that makes it my responsibility to get him sober? It is not my responsibility and it never will be, it is his, but I will never shun or reject him, and will be extremely defensive of those that do because I love him unconditionally, as I should, and as I do with all of my children. Yet, I had to hear my oldest son, an alcoholic himself, tell me that I was invited to a Thanksgiving dinner at her parent’s home, but he didn’t feel he could trust Chris (my youngest) to go there. Why, because it would embarrass him, or bring his own addiction to light? My own son, rejecting one of his own siblings broke my heart. Any hope of ever being accepted into this girl’s family was lost to me at that moment. Yet, what do I do? Alienate this son by telling him how I feel about these things?

Every day we have challenges to face in life. God doesn’t make them but loves to watch us overcome them. When our children do not recognize or believe this, it becomes almost impossible to communicate with them without alienation or confrontation; neither of which I wish to engage. So what do I do? I sit here typing this out in the hope that by seeing it at whatever point in their life, they will begin to understand that things are not always as they see them. That yes, I may have made mistakes, but they will also when they raise their own children. No parent can give their children everything they need to get through life successfully because for one thing, success is a thought, and we don’t all share the same definition of that thought or any other thought; so judgment of a thought of another, is not right or real. Success is a thought that is formed in the mind of each of us, based on our perceived definition, and we cannot perceive of it through the mind of another; because we do not come to it from their experiences, we come to it through our own, and anything said about the perception of another, is judgment and judgment does not belong in a Christian mind. Only God judges, we do not.

So instead of looking forward to the joy of a beautiful Christmas it becomes a dreaded thought for me today, because I am expecting things to go awry before it even gets here; based on these few examples. The question now is, how do I change my thoughts about this to bring about the Christmas I want to experience with my children? I think only God knows and maybe somehow he’ll send me a sign or point me in the right direction. So that is my prayer today, “Please precious God; bring me to a right mind about these things, so I may expect a joyous experience with my children on Christmas, the birth of Jesus.”

"We know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with."

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 My post yesterday talked about how, after reading a comment a woman made on a

NAMI blog, set my mind to reeling. Well, it did not stop there. It seems that this one discovery had led me down a path, not by my own choosing but on the path anyway. The attempt to shake my faith failed, and I am here to tell you that that is how fleeting moments are, and how powerful they can be. The devil slides in whenever he can and tries to take our faith from us. He is constantly trying to break our faith to satisfy him/herself. I was happy to read this today that led me back to the path I belong on.

"We know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with." Roman 6:6 

I was barely a glimmer in God's eye, yet part of his plan long before I was born. We were all there on the cross in Christ's heart. This is explained in Roman 5 12:21. Here Paul explains that we were all subject to death through Adam, so we can all receive the gift of  new life through Christ. 

"There is still sin in us, but it is no longer my master. Jesus is." When he died and rose, so did we, and that reality changes everything. 

Whatever is happening in our life, even when we sin, we must all remember that Christ has already taken our sin, not that that is an excuse to sin, because it is not. But staying on a holy path each day may be a struggle, but to be worthy we  commit to try, EVERYDAY.

Lord, Help us to believe in the transforming power of the resurrection in our own life.

Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

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1 Corinthians 13:7 We all, these days, will tend to want to question what has happened in Japan, what negative things have taken place in our life, but it is not necessary to put ourselves through that. When we are in pain, mourning, depression,and  anxiety we are bringing this on ourselves. "We are responsible for our own reality." We can change anything because "With God all things are possible."
He tells us that he will carry us through all the negative things that happen to us, but do we ALL listen? NO...
What is the expression people use so often...? "What does not break us will make us stronger." Why? Because God puts challenges in front of us, everyday and it is our purpose to overcome them with his guidance. Mourning is a natural thing to do when someone we love is lost to us, but we should remember that they are with God now and we will see them again when He comes. We will be re-united with our lost loved ones, their spirit will rise with their body and we will be whole with them again, in the rapture and Glory of God.
I sat in a Bible class last week and my pastor said to me that the spirit will return to the body and we will all be whole again, My first thought was, OMG...my sister was cremated and her ashes sit on the top shelf of my entertainment center, what have I done? So I asked him, "are you saying that I have disposed of her remains in a way that will stop her from re-uniting with her spirit?" As tears ran down my face, I waited for his answer. He said, I should not worry because Christians will be re-united with their bodies even from dust.  After all,  that is how we come into the world. Those were not his exact words, I am expressing my relief in the thoughts that followed after what he told me. My relief was great and I let out a huge sigh, but I was thinking about my daughter too. My greatest loss was her tiny life, lost to me at 6 months old.
People ask me all the time, how did you go on, how did you get over it. In the past I was able to say, "I don't know, I guess I just pushed through it because I went right on to taking caring of my mother as she spent her last 6 months with a diagnosis of terminal Colon Cancer. Was I just too busy to think about her? Well, I know that is not true because every night I would stay up late enough to give my mother her last dose of Morphine so she (and I ) could sleep through the night without pain.  Hers from the cancer, mine from mourning the loss of my child. I thought a lot and read a lot about death then. My Uncle, thinking that I would understand and accept my mother's and my daughter's death easier if I understood the dying process, had given me books that told me what to expect; and I am grateful that he did that, but did it make the process any easier, No. No because my mother was still going to go through this process and understanding it was part of my acceptance of her dying, but easier, nothing makes the dying process easier for anyone except through their faith. My mother was a faithful Christian through her life and especially during her last days and I knew that she was going to be re-united with those that she lost, including my daughter; but I found humor in the fact that she believed she would be re-united with my father. In her last days she would have vivid conversations with him in the late night before her final dose of medication. She also survived with a barely registering blood pressure for two days, and I believe that she was holding on to be re-united with him on their Anniversary.
Most of my life with my father was filled with abusive alcoholism. He drank, he stewed, and then he blew. It was a daily ritual for my sister's, my mother, and I. We would sit in the kitchen and wait for him to go to bed so we could breath again. Not that we literally held our breath, but we tried not to make any sound that would set him off. The worst part about trying to be quiet or trying to stop anything else, is that the more you try to stop it, the more it comes up. It is true with anything we try to get rid of, the more you try to get rid of it, the more it comes back to you. If I had known then that that is the way the "law of attraction" works, I would have suggested that we think differently about what we were trying to avoid, so something good would have come out of the time we spent waiting for something bad to happen. Funny, right? What a waste of time it was. I often wonder what we could have done, that would have put the abuse at bay, while we accomplished it and these days I have found the answer, it was no secret. I just never realized that we could very well have taken our focus off the fear we were feeling by being quietly creative.  It would have lessened my father's power over us, and given us something to see at the end of each of these experiences.
I do these things now because I know they work, but what a blessing it would have been for all of us together to be doing something quietly creative. I paint, quilt, sketch, and make crafts now, and I do them quietly; and with the express purpose of keeping fear, anxiety, and depression from taking over my mind. Sad that it took me this many years to discover that, but I have and I use it effectively now, not as a manner of keeping my father away, but to keep depression and anxiety from locking my mind in fear and sometimes, terror.
A few years back when my depression and anxiety manifested as Agoraphobia, my mind and my body  were keeping me locked in my home, similar to the way my father, unbeknown to him, kept us locked in the kitchen quietly trying to avoid his wrath. What I discovered about that I will cover tomorrow, but remember:

Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. 1 Corinthians 13:7

"It's easy to forget that what I feel is not nearly as important as what I know."

Image via Wikipedia" You believe at last, Jesus answered. "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. John 16:33
Jesus prays for all believers:
"My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me that they may be one as we are one." John 16: 20-22
 Jesus has told ust hat we should not fear the things taking place in the world, because God is with us at all times. He also told us what would come and what we should do about such things.

"Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted." - spoken by Jesus in Matthew 5:4.

We should mourn for those that died in Japan and pray for those that survived that they may have peace dealing with such loss.

With God all Things are Possible Good or Bad

I had a very perplexing day yesterday. Everywhere, everyone is talking about the disaster in Japan. Confused by some reactions of how people are saying that we should not pray for them because they are an Atheist country. Really! There are also Christian survivors there that have lost loved ones, and Atheists that have lost loved ones. We should pray that all of them find peace from all that they have lost.  We should also pray that many will see this as a sign of what God told us would come our way. I am not saying this as a doomsday post, I am merely saying we should all at all times be prepared for his coming by accepting Jesus as our Savior so that when our own time comes we are prepared. That is what love is about. Loving all that believe AND do not believe.  It is our purpose to share the word of god with others, but it is EVEN MORE PURPOSEFUL now to empathize and pray for those that have lost so much and so many.  Even more pray with gratitude for all that we have. Being grateful everyday for all that God has given us, and that is EVERYTHING.

Remembering that everything is thought first, think only good thoughts. Praise God with gratitude that we are not the survivors of such a tumultuous disaster, but remembering that we could be at anytime. Are you ready to leave this earth?
The greatest fear that most people have is the "fear of death," but those that have accepted Christ as their savior do not fear death, instead they believe that whatever happens in their life God is always with them. Relieve yourself of the greatest fear, the Fear of death, and realize if that is greatest fear, then "Fear is not a rational thought."This is a thought that I often play in my mind when plagued by Agoraphobia (fear of open spaces.)
My family's cookbook called "Traveling Recipes" is for sale as a pdf file on Etsy, all of the proceeds this from the sales this month are going to Autism Intervention Specialists.
Also try to turn the world BLUE on April 1,2, 2011 for Autism Awareness

Image by nikkorsnapper via Flickr

Ever since I watched the movie, "Clancy," the other night, I am reminded of how she (Clancy, the young girl in the story) explained God to the transient that was caring for her after she ran away from home. She told him that the greatest fear that most people have is "the fear of dying." Which I certainly agree is true.  My other personal thought is that people are afraid to open their mind because of what they "fear they will find there.." Both statement are true and tie together. 
If one believe that God exists and that he gave his only son to save us from  our sins, and we are all sinners, (think about it, we all sin, everyday); then we should not fear dying, because we know that God will take care of us. That being said, why bother with the other fears, when the greatest fear is the fear of dying? Stop fearing death by believing that God sent Jesus to save us from all of our sins, not just the ones we have already committed, but the ones we will commit, from now until we die. How simple is that?  
Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved. (Matthew 24:12-13)

Read, learn, talk to others, and discover whether or not you believe that God sent Jesus to save us from our sins, and when you realize the truth, stop fearing death and don't sweat the small stuff anymore, and open your mind. Right?