"When we tug on a single thing in nature we find it attached to everything else." ~ John MuirJohn Muir was an American naturalist, and the founder of The Sierra Club and as an activist saved many national treasures. But what does he have to do with my thinking today? So many things.
My thinking today is a mixed bag of conflicting premises that keep coming at me for a reason, and I think it is because I am at a crossroad. I am at a place where my awakening from this mental illness, (Agoraphobia) is trying to find the place it will create the most from.
As I have said in previous posts, there is a place in recovery where one sees that everything is connected. It is on the way up from the darkest place one can get to, in my case the depth of depression. Creativity emerges at this place, and the direction one takes with this creation (in "my" mind) will determine what the creation will be for, or who will benefit from it. The idea that everything is connected is not a new concept by any means but the development of the concept changes with every person, therefore you see my dilemma this day.
For the last few days I have been coming at it from a religious aspect, and I choose to continue in that direction, but the very first conflict in my day came to me as I went to the NAMI blog and saw a comment by a woman who says that her awakening has led her to believe that she is God, and that there is no basis for religion at all because she controls her own life, and I was immediately daunted by her caliber of education. She is a lawyer, so she has had a good education and is knowledgeable, and I should think of her as a reputable source. But how can I? My confusion did not stop there, I began to doubt my own beliefs and thoughts, and then suddenly I realized that I was coming from "ego." Thank you God, for pointing that out to me, because had I stayed to try to dissect her comments I would have been lost in trying to compete with her and that comes from "ego," which can totally destroy my own credibility.
Well, naturally as one that believes "we are responsible for our own reality," this whole diatribe sent me through a loop. I have been confused and dazed since reading her post. I at first tried to respond to her post, but could not find a way to speak without judgment, and felt it was not my place to correct her. Yet, she sits in my mind. Her thoughts came from the idea that we are one with God, but to conclude that she is God is so unsettling for me. She in so many words also said that we are in rapture now. I remember being in that place at one time, because mental illness can lead you into a conflict with good and evil, and when you are there, trying to rationalize, is not possible, because it is coming from the disease of the mind; and giving control to the disease leads to this place that locks your thoughts in such a convoluted place. I am praying for this woman tonight, although I cannot recall where she is and my internet history shows no record of her, but I will pray for her nameless as she is to me, and I will pray that others are not lost in her post also. I will also pray that God will show me the necessary tools to share this in a way that helps others not to go to where she is, and that is not to say that I am right and she is wrong, but we are in the middle of a huge message from God right now and the more confusing it becomes the more that will lost by this tumultuous disaster in Japan and fewer will see that it is a sign that God is telling us to be aware. Just a sign, not the return, not the rapture, not the end as he has predicted. I am sad that she believes that this is how she will live from now on. But, of course, I own that, not her.
Anyway, the beginning of my post was sent to me tonight in a post by a friend whose judgment I trust and whose guidance has lifted me from this confusion, and I am filled with gratitude to have such people in my life, Thank you, Dave.
Psalm 28:7 The Lord strengthens and protects me; I trust in him with all my heart. I am rescued and my heart is full of joy; I will sing to him in gratitude.