GOOGLE
I
have just spent 4 days with no knowledge as to where my
youngest son
(26) was and if he was safe for the second time in 1 month. What are we
to do as mothers when mothering is so ingrained in us? This month I have
heard phrases like " its all in
God's hands," Don't worry, he'll be
fine," "What are you doing to keep your
mind off him,"It's already up to
God, so there is nothing you can do about it, just move on." None of
which has given me an ounce of peace. I even spent a day at a Pastoral
Conference where they were focused on the assurance that
God exists.
Well, I know God exists, and I know he was with me and my son, but I
have never been able to draw enough comfort from that to let things go.
Does that make me less
Christian, less of a believer? I don't even know.
The only thing I know today is that no matter how good a parent you
are, you can never know where
Satan will surface in the life of one of
your children. The one saving grace in all of this last experience is
that he is my one child that not only does believes God exists and that
Jesus came to save us from our sins no matter how bad you have been, or
how much of Satan you have acknowledged, you need only to ask God for
forgiveness and thank him for what he has provided you with and ask him
to open the
Holy Spirit within you. I don't mean running with Satan
forever, I mean for that moment in time.
My son has
lived his adolescent, teen, and now adult life using some form of
substance to stuff down inside of himself, something so unbearable that
he is afraid to actually let it run through his mind. Millions of people
live this way, but the true thing about life is that there is nothing
so unbearable locked in one's mind that will make you burn in Hell at
that moment or any other moment.
Our God is a gracious
God, he readily forgives, protects, and saves you when asked. That
doesn't mean you can continue down the path you are on and just choose
your own time to ask for forgiveness. It means when you ask for
forgiveness, repent, and follow the word he has sent to us; you can
depend on him to respond. With eyes wide open we may actually see the
signs he has sent us to change our lives. I am no saint, but every day I
try to do something for another with no expectation of return and pray
that I am pleasing to God.
I
know l lot of people are thinking (as if a lot of people are reading
this...lol) everyday, really? Well, yes everyday that you are able. One
of the mornings I was waiting for word about my son I was awakened
early, I don't know by what and I went outside and this is the gift that
God gave to me:
I have a friend that on his 90th
birthday slipped and fell in his driveway rendering him bedridden after
surgery for many weeks, with a broken hip. He had just recovered from a
fall that injured his shoulder, but he soldiered on and the only thing I
ever heard him say about that one was "Thank God my daughter was there
when I fell." After the second accident the family thought he was facing
his last days, but it turned out that he had an intestinal problem that
made it impossible for him to get to the bathroom on time and he was
reluctant to get out of bed. Once it passed though, he was like an
Olympian training for a race. Each time I saw him he would show me how
he could get himself out of bed and scurry down the corridor with the
use of his walker. The only thing he ever said about that incident was
"Thank God the
Verizon men working across the street saw me fall and
were able to call 911." To me that proves that God exists and that our
faithful devotion to him will see us through everything we encounter.
However, when it comes to motherhood my senses go numb. My friend is a
God loving, Christian man and nothing seems too difficult for him to
choose not to move forward. I hope that is something my youngest son can
find and learn to live with, because then he can teach me.
A
week before this last incident with my son, I was in his hospital room
while he went to take a shower. As I looked into the corridor, I saw, on
an open door across from me, what looked like a row of paper dolls were
ingrained in the door. As I looked further I realized they looked more
like a row of paper doll angels because wings were visible in between
each one. I know that many do not believe that God sends us signs, but
this to me was a sign that God would guide my son through this. However,
there was some point where my son changed his mind about recovery and
went on a rampage of destruction and deceit which was totally out of
character for him. I shiver at the idea of how he will feel when he
realizes that this wide eyed blackout he has been in these last two
weeks, has made him do things he would never have done in a sober and
Godly mind.
He has a long road ahead of him and I will pray daily
that God will guide him in this journey and make it difficult enough
for him that he never wants to start over like this again.
Thank you God for keeping him safe.
